Eggcetera

year one in pictures

2011-02-06T13:14:00.001-06:00

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You're almost one

2011-02-06T12:09:00.002-06:00

On February 9th, 2010 at 5:23 AM, our lives changed forever. I remember sitting with dh in the somewhat dark waiting room watching people sleep, knowing you were in the process of being born. We weren't able to be in the delivery room because your birth mother was having a c-section. Before we knew it though, the OB came out and said that you were healthy and absolutely beautiful. She led us back into the recovery room and there was S (birth mom), holding a tiny bundle....you. You were and are absolutely beautiful. I was struck by all of your dark hair. You nose was smooshed from being born, but you were as calm as calm could be. S reached out her arms and handed you to me, and I was completely a goner. My daughter was in my arms. I stood there for what seemed like seconds, but I never ever ever wanted to let go. What a beautiful and painful three days. Our hearts were pulled in every which direction, because all we wanted to do was be with you. But we had to be patient. S loved you so much. She held you and fed you and took lots of pictures of you. Her love for you was so great that she knew that a life with her would not give you all of the opportunities that you deserved. S made the greatest sacrifice ever, and to her we are beyond forever grateful for you. While we know that God made you for us, He grew you in S.

What a delightful baby you were! While we had our share of sleepless nights, you did start sleeping through the night around 3 months of age. And what an eater you were (and are!). We still shudder at the thought of taking away your bottle, as when you see it, you start laughing and bouncing. Oh, that's my girl.

You are growing up to be such a delightful little girl. Because, at almost one, you are a little girl. No longer a baby, you show your personality full force...and it's a great one! You are such a ham...and you definitely get that from your daddy. Boy, you have him wrapped around your finger. He adores everything about you. In fact, we pretty much race to your crib in the morning when we hear you talking, because your joyful face is the ONLY way to start the day. You laugh (a lot) and you love playing hide and seek and peek a boo. You have NO FEAR, and frankly, we hope you stay that way. You love diving from my arms to daddy's and back again. You fearlessly go up and down the stairs. You love standing in your rocking chair and having someone swing it all the way around. Oh, daddy can't wait to take you to Disney World...this fall! What a fun trip that will be!

You have such a tender heart. You always pat our backs when we are holding you, and you LOVE to give kisses. Now, they are completely open mouth and you do like to lick us in the process, but right now, those are the best kisses in the world. And you try to go after the dogs and do the same thing!

And what a smart girl you are! You love to read books, and we'll find you sitting in your own little chair, book open. You talk in sentences, and we can't wait until we know the words that you are saying. You say "hi" and point and wave. You say daddy and to my chagrin, call me nana...but you know exactly what you are doing, and correct it with mama while you are laughing. You say "uh-oh", "woof-woof", and we swear you say "thank you" and use it correctly! Regardless, hearing you talk is so amazing. We love to hear your voice. You love music as well. You hit piano keys individually and sing along with the music that you hear.

And you are walking! Still tentative, you'll take about 12-15 steps at a time. However, you crawl faster than I run, so that is still your preference...and we are JUST FINE with that. =)

My sweet baby girl. I adore you. I thank God for giving you to us to raise and to be your parents. I consider it the greatest privlege of my life. Next weekend, we'll eat cake and say goodbye to infancy. While that brings tears to my eyes, I am so excited to see the child that you are becoming and what the future brings for you.

I love you so very much-

Mama

tap, tap....anyone out there?

2011-02-06T11:58:00.003-06:00

Wow. I think I completely stink at the blog. Ok, not think, know. I could give my age old excuse that life is so busy and I haven't had time (which is true) but wow. Ok, so here I am! Does anyone still come to this blog? Probably not. Miss M is turning one next week! I have so many things to say....but my first order of business is writing her a one year letter. Stay tuned.

7 month (and 1/2)

2010-09-23T20:57:00.005-05:00

I CAN NOT believe M is 7 (1/2) months old. Time is absolutely flying! This would've been posted sooner, but we had a death in our extended family. ....

To M on her 7th month:

Oh baby girl, you are growing up so incredibly fast now. I blink and you are doing something new EVERY SINGLE DAY. Your personality is coming out full force now...and just when I thought that my heart would burst from my love for you, well, my heart just keeps getting bigger.

You are the happiest baby that I know. You are always giving smiles, grabbing our faces, talking to us, and your eyes just sparkle. The neatest thing is that your eyes light up particularly for your daddy and I. We come into the room and you grin from ear to ear. Actually, you are a complete ham. You crack up laughing all the time...and you actually get even sillier as you get tired.

You are doing lots of new things now! You have started babbling...a few days ago, in your high chair, you said "mmmmmm,mamamama,mmmmm," then "bububububu", and daddy swears you said dadadada to him, but I haven't heard it yet. =)

You sit forever, and you just started getting from a laying down to a sitting up position today. This all but did away with your naps today as daddy just heard you laughing in your room and when he came to check on you, you were sitting up in bed! Whoops!

You are army crawling all over the place and starting to take some tentative up on all fours crawling steps. You love yoga, I think, as downward facing dog and plank position are done often. You love to stand up against objects as well....

However, I think your true loves continue to be the dogs. If we ever want to hear you laugh and laugh and laugh, we just bring the dogs around. Luckily, they both tolerate you, and the black one adores you. ....

You continue to LOVE food. You've polished off a whole avocado in one sitting, and you love cheese as well. You actually like the baby food too!

You also continue to adore water. It's pretty humorous when you take your baths....now that we are used to what you do...at first, you scared the living daylights out of us! You sit up in the bath tub and then DIVE onto your belly, and swim like a fish. If we put you in the sitting position again, back down you go! We can't wait to get you into a pool again....alas, the neighborhood pool is closed for the year.

What don't you like? Well, you don't take a bink (which cracks me up), you will not let us change your diaper (and that's fun!), but that's about it.

Sept 1, 2010

2010-09-05T12:57:00.003-05:00

We finalized. As the judge said, she is, has been, and will forever be yours.

M, you are the love of our lives. I didn't know my heart could be so full.

I will post more. However, the weather is currently GORGEOUS here and I must enjoy.

Oh wait, it's the weight.

2010-08-22T22:12:00.004-05:00

So, yeah, it's ok to be 6 months old and be delightfully chubby. It's great to have rolly polly thighs, a dimpled bum, and multiple chins.

It's not ok for the mom.

I've got to lose this infertility, hormones, I have a new baby, I'm back at work, I'm tired weight. Argh. I joined weight watchers online tonight and am on board. I've done WW before, and it just works for me. Now I just have to stick with the program.

6 months old

2010-08-18T13:29:00.008-05:00

Dear M-

I can't believe that you are already six months old. In some ways, it only feels like yesterday that we were leaving the hospital, with you in our arms. And now, you aren't a newborn anymore. You're a delightful, happy little girl, and every day you show us more of your wonderful personality!

You're sitting up so well now! And it happened so fast! One day, we were holding you up in the sitting position and the next day, bam! I can do this myself! You love playing with your toys while you are sitting up...and then you love flipping to your tummy and ARMY CRAWLING to try and catch the dog! He's just starting to get used to you. We think he really likes you a lot, but he's still keeping his distance.

You are sleeping all night, usually 11-12 hours. You tell us pretty clearly when you are tired...in fact, really the only time you are upset is when you are hungry or tired. When we bring you your bottle, you start giggling...you are so happy to eat! Speaking of eating, you LOVE solid foods. You've had multiple fruits and vegetables, but your current favorites are sweet potatoes and applesauce. We've had a great time making your baby food. Daddy just bought you some puffs, and you LOVE those too. I'm amazed at your fine motor control already! Today, at lunchtime, I gave you some small pieces of avocado on your tray....and you loved that too!

You are a complete social bug. Stranger anxiety has definitely not hit yet! You love to touch faces, laugh, and talk. While you initially hated the car, now you actually like it now!

You are the love of our lives. We praise God for you on a daily basis, and can't imagine life without you in it. Our hearts are more full than we could ever imagine.

What you like: baths, the swimming pool, food, sleeping, sophie the giraffe, your "pup-pup" (stuffed dog), your activity center, shaking your head "no", the dogs, and cuddling with daddy.

You don't like: getting your diaper changed, changing clothes, pacifiers, and getting your hair brushed.

Words

2010-08-15T20:03:00.003-05:00

It's amazing to me how many people have the ability to say exactly what is on their minds, regardless of how it may impact/hurt/affect the person that they are talking to. When I was little, a phrase that my mom often said to me was "think before you speak." Now, hearing that my whole life, I think I may have taken that to the other extreme and now I think TOO much. You know, you're flabergasted, and then speak your reply in your mind for the next 2-3 days. That would be me.

Anyway, I've been reading more adoption blogs lately, and just getting a feel for other people's experiences, lives, etc. Some of the posts that have caught my eye lately are the ones where strangers or friends make comments on:
1. How bad you are for not breastfeeding...without knowing you adopted (btw, what a serious idiot Gisele Bundchen is)
2. How your child doesn't look like you
3. Asking if your child is adopted

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm PROUD that M is adopted. I love telling our adoption story. At the same time, I don't want the focus to be that she is adopted. I want the focus to be that she is our daughter.

I digress. Ok, so we were with a group of "friends" the other day, and I was talking about M's hair. M has curly hair, and I'm a straight-haired girl, so I don't have much experience with the curly...so, I'm learning as I go. So, I was talking about her hair, and one of the girls said, "Well, I have a friend that adopted a mixed baby too...."

Whoah, sister. I mean, is it just me or is the term "mixed" pretty derogatory? I'm not the PC princess by any means, but seriously? Not that we go around saying "transracial" or "rich genetic heritage" but seriously?

I wouldn't have gotten my panties completely in a wad, but this is the second time this lady has said that...the first being, "M is mixed, right?" My response was, "M's bfather is hispanic and her bmother is caucasian."

So, I still didn't respond. It's the whole think before you speak crap. I have too much of it. But, this is likely to come up again. Do I have a response or do I just smile?

Happy Wednesday

2010-08-11T15:44:00.004-05:00

I have come to the realization that if I am going to continue reading blogs, that I should post my own!

Wednesday is a fun day for us....so my husband is staying at home with M. He LOVES it, and I LOVE seeing the relationship that the two of them are building. They are totally enamored with each other! I get to stay home on Wednesday afternoon (my half day of work) and my husband (T) works...and also on Tuesday nights. M and I ate some lunch (yup, she's eating solids, but more on that later!) and then a mid day bath (oh to be six months old!) and now she's down for her nap.

This girl can sleep!!!! She takes two solid naps a day, with her afternoon nap usually lasting 3-4 hours. Oh, and did I mention that she's been sleeping through the night since she was 3 months old? Obviously, this has nothing to do with us!!!!

Well, I think I might go take a siesta of my own......

I have a 6 month old!

2010-08-10T21:03:00.002-05:00

I just wanted anyone out there (anyone, anyone??) to know that we've made it through half of the first year. Ok, not only have we made it, but we are LOVING being parents! I am still following all of your blogs on my blackberry, and hopefully, SOMEDAY, I will start commenting again. Contemplating blogging......we'll see. =)

The rest of that week

2010-02-27T17:39:00.002-06:00

Ok, so let me say that from Tuesday on, my head was constantly spinning and I was also in a pretty constant state of tears. Could this really really be happening? Could we maybe be getting a baby?

We found out pretty quickly that the birth mom was living with a family who she had known for years. Without getting into all the details, she was basically out on the streets and this family took her in, was loving on her, and the mom in this family agreed to help the birth mom find a family for the baby after the birth mom decided to place the baby for adoption.

We also found out that there were several other couples that had found out about the original email and were also interested in adopting the baby. *Gulp*

So, over the course of the next several days, the mom figure in this family interviewed each of the prospective families multiple times. She talked with my husband, she talked with me. We poured out our hearts to this person that we didn't know at all and told her our life story. She heard everything and went through this process with each of the other families and then passed along the information to the birth mom. We quickly put together a sort of biography on us with lots of pictures of us, our house, our families, and of course, our dogs. This process went on from Wednesday-Friday. We were told that we would get a phone call on Friday regardless of the decision....so we went through the longest 24 hours in our lives from Thursday-Friday (ok, we've had a lot of long 24 hour periods since then, but that was the longest one up to that point!) I cried. A LOT.

So, right at 1200 on Friday, she called. She talked about how she had interviewed each of the families and had spent a lot of time in prayer with others and a lot of discussion with the birth mom. All during this time, I was just thinking...just tell us!!!!---as my heart was sinking. In my heart of hearts, I KNEW it was us, but at the same time, my heart was just sinking. Probably IF has done that to me...always preparing for the worst. Anyway, after that, she said "Congratulations mommy and daddy!" And we just sobbed. I can't even tell you the level of emotion experienced on that day. It was completely amazing.

As an aside, the older woman later told me that as soon as she heard my voice on the phone the first time, God told her that we were it. And she had a complete sense of peace. And she basically didn't hear anything else either of us said in our 2+ hour interviews, because she knew she was done. How incredibly cool is that?

Ok, enough for today. Next up, hearing the gender and meeting the birth mom for the first time.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

And...our peanut loves to eat! I'll have to post more pictures soon. I'm trying to improve my blogging..and tell this entire story! =)

November 10th, 2009

2010-02-25T09:30:00.003-06:00

Or, otherwise entitled, the day our lives changed forever.

Ok, so to backtrack a little, I was in the midst of an IUI cycle. Injecting a little Follistim, starting to feel the hormonal overload. Like, really bad. I was an emotional wreck. I was feeling sorry for myself, crying a lot, and probably getting pretty close to needing a third party to talk to and a little celexa. I think I hit rock bottom on November the 9th. I was shopping in Target for a baby gift for a friend's upcoming shower, and just started crying. In the middle of Target. It was lovely. I think I hid out for ten minutes in the workout clothes area (interestingly enough, the emptiest area in Target) and tried to stop crying. I couldn't handle looking at baby clothes, baby gear, baby this and that. It was just too much.

I spent a lot of that day in quiet reflection. I didn't have to work, so luckily, I had the luxury of being able to do that. I had a monitoring appointment later that day, and my ovaries were responding just as slowly as usual. Even better. Even better.

Fast forward to Tuesday. November 10th. These days, I have been carrying my cell phone with me at work, even though that is something that I typically do not do. You know, phone calls from the lab, RE, etc...can not be missed! Well, at about 9:30, I got a text message from my husband. *URGENT--call me right now*. So, I'm thinking to myself, who died? How can this week get any better?

So, I called him back. He asked me to sit down. He told me he just got off the phone with his dad--and his dad just got an email from one of the pastor's of their church. The email stated that there was a young pregnant woman who was looking to place her unborn baby for adoption. Did he (my husband's dad) know of anyone who would be interested? My husband's dad is a deacon in their church, and this email went out to all of the deacons.

The world stopped.

My husband asked if we would be interested.

Without hesitation.

Yes!

And so the story began.

From a day of despair to a day of realizing that there was a plan in all of this crazy mess.

to be continued...

Introducing

2010-02-23T12:52:00.003-06:00

Our little peanut. Our beautiful girl was born on 2.9.10 via c-section after failure to progress. She weighed 6#13oz, was 20.25 inches long, and as you can see, has a full head of black hair!

We're totally in love. The adoption process went well, though with its emotional hiccups. At this point, I'm trying to figure out what to do with this blog...obviously, I'm not at all thinking about ttc right now, so thoughts and ideas would be appreciated. I do think I want to continue blogging, if little miss M lets me! =)

A PSA to well-meaning friends and family

2010-02-01T18:11:00.003-06:00

*Ok, we're working on getting the whole baby story out, but life has been CRAZY around here! The due date is this Thursday, no baby yet!*

And now onto the PSA:

1. Please don't tell me: " Well, now that you are adopting, you'll get pregnant in no time. I know _____ who was trying to get pregnant for years, and then they adopted, and *poof* she was pregnant just like that!"

2. Never make the comment to me, however well-meaning it may be, " Well, I hope that you can experience having one of your own someday."

My response:
1. Hey, it would be great if we got pregnant. However, we aren't even thinking about that right now, and we're beyond thrilled that we are HAVING A BABY. Oh, and we have several medical diagnoses that make it really difficult for us to get pregnant. So, thanks for discounting that and basically saying that if we stop thinking about it, we will get preggers.

2 . I am experiencing having one of my own. She is my own.

PEOPLE SOMETIMES!

why there have been no posts since Monday Nov. 9th.

2010-01-20T17:53:00.002-06:00

Because Tuesday, November 10th, our lives changed forever.

Let's backtrack to Monday November 9th. I was in the midst of my injectible cycle, ready to try some acupuncture. Bring it on. However, my mood was getting lower and lower as the day went on. I had to shop for a baby shower gift for a friend. I cried the whole time I was in the baby store. It had been enough. I had reached a new level of sad. Life was bad.

Tuesday, Nov 10th. Unexpected text from my husband. "Call me back, NOW." That was the text. Nothing more. I called him right back, and the next thing he said has changed our lives forever.....

"I got a phone call, and there is an email that there is a young woman that is looking to place her yet to be born baby for adoption. Are we interested?"

Ummm, yeah. No second thoughts. Seriously? Seriously?!?!?!

Long story short, the whole week was a crazy series of events that ended up in the birth mom picking us. Someday, I will post the whole story, because all of it is amazing. Truly amazing. And totally all God.

So. I'm going to be a mom in about 2 weeks! She's 37 and 6 days today. We've met the birth mom. We've been scrambling to prepare for a baby for the last 2 months. It's been the shortest pregnancy ever!

I am the happiest and the most excited that I have ever been. We are full of anticipation and expectation. Life is good.

Oh, and completing a homestudy in less than one month? We are rock stars. That's all I'm going to say.

I hope to post more often now. Maybe. Obviously, the tone of this blog is different, but I hope some continue to read, because this is a beautiful story.

And we're not pregnant. I could care less. =)

And we're having a girl!!

a new direction

2009-11-09T21:10:00.003-06:00

So, I made an appointment with an acupuncturist. I don't even know what to write. But hey, here's to something new! Unfortunately, the appointment isn't until next monday. So, we'll see.

And thanks all for the therapist suggestions. I will ask my RE. =)

And the gym did help.

Injectible cycle #3. Oh joy.

2009-11-09T15:01:00.002-06:00

Oh day 3, here you are again. How I missed you. How I have been counting down until I can give my arm to the phlebotomist every 3 days, shoot myself up with hormones, and try to bring back a modicum of hope for a happy result.

I'm really trying to find some hope here. Anyone have any that I can borrow?

I'm just having a hard time getting going. I've already cried three times today. I cried on the way to work. I cried on the way to the doctor's office. I cried in Target as I was picking out a baby present for a shower that I get to go to tomorrow.

It's funny. (or not) I'm going through the signs of depression, and well, I'm pretty much there.

Anyone know an infertility therapist in the mid.west? If you are anywhere close, I'd be thrilled to email back and forth to figure out a location.

Ok, on a lighter note. My vacation was wonderful. If I could've stayed by the ocean for a few more weeks, I would've. Beautiful. Wonderful to see good friends and relax and just relax. And relax. I'm going to say that five more times.

Did I mention that my mother in law suggested that we adopt? Goodness, I LOVE that woman.

Ok, I'm off to try and build some endorphins at the gym.

Countdown

2009-10-25T18:41:00.000-05:00

Until I leave for sunny beaches, unlimited drinks, and a tan for my flabby bod.

Bring it on!!!

ICLW

2009-10-20T21:52:00.002-05:00

I very much enjoy ICLW and hope to use this week to read about other people's stories, more to take my mind off of my own.

We're on a break for a month (or so). A brief history of my dh and I:

We've been married for 5 years. We first decided to throw out the OCP's two years ago. I always knew in the back of my head that conceiving would take time. I never knew how long! After about 10 months, I had some baseline testing done through my PCP and then my OBGYN. Did unmonitored clomid for 3 months and then moved on to the RE. With the RE, we did 3 clomid IUIs and now just had our 2nd unsuccessful injectible IUI. It hurts to even write this. While I knew we would struggle, I never knew it would be this much. I also had a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy over the summer to take a look at the girl parts. Good stuff.

So here's our diagnoses:
Me: less then perfect ovulator. Stage 1 endometriosis (that's less than exciting). Extrauterine fibroids (removed and probably not an issue in the first place)
DH: Great numbers but low morphology (2%) on the strict Krueger scale.

This is our journey. We crave crying babies, dirty diapers, and sleepless nights.

beautiful day

2009-10-19T17:00:00.003-05:00

The sun is shining where we live for the first time in well over a week. Also, the temperature has climbed well over 20 degrees. The sun and the weather, well, it gives me hope. Maybe. I can't really say at this point that hope is streaming through my veins, because I can't imagine a day where a baby will actually be in our home. Sigh.

I'm sitting in the living room with the windows open. Outside, the mommy brigade sits in their lawn chairs, watching the gaggle of children playing outdoors. Ok, so why did we move to the suburbs? Oh yeah, for the same reason that we bought the SUV. Because we thought that we would have children. I tell you what, best laid plans.......

We're taking another break this month. I'm headed to a sunnier climate...the beach...for vacation with some girlfriends in a couple of weeks...the plus side to the negative cycle is that I can drink to my hearts content at the all-inclusive resort! Woohoo!

Interesting work comment today. One of my partners (who doesn't know about my IF)..who is also ten years older than me and pregnant...said that she is saving her maternity clothes for me, because she KNOWS that I will be pregnant soon. The way she said it was actually encouraging. Am I hanging on every little positive thread that I can take? Probably so.

I just wish the thread would come together into a rope and pull me out of this IF stuff. One can dream.

sigh

2009-10-19T16:49:00.001-05:00

I'm so sorry I haven't posted.

My grandma died last week.

I'm not pregnant.

I'm dealing.

Would appreciate thoughts, prayers, etc.

Love to you all.

Week 2

2009-10-04T20:02:00.003-05:00

Still here. Enjoying the last few hours of the happy first week of the two week wait. I'll try and make the second week be equally pleasant.

I just don't have anything to write! Later folks. Have an awesome Monday.

Cute husband

2009-09-30T20:30:00.002-05:00

So, I'm laying on the couch with the laptop perched on my belly, and my husband says, "Should that laptop be directly on there? I don't want it hurting my blastocysts!"

Love that man.

3dpo. That's me. Some cramping today. Good sign? Body getting rid of the follicles? Damn it, I'm going to be positive. Too early for implantation. It's all good.

As an aside. If you need to laugh, watch Modern Family tonight. We're getting quite the kick out of it.

home

2009-09-28T17:28:00.002-05:00

Well, I was up all night last night with a horrible headache--and ended up staying home from work today. I'm feeling much better now. Yay. =)

Question for those who have used injectibles. Ok, TMI question. Do you feel like your cervical mucus is slower to dry up because of the much higher estrogen levels in your body? Still had a little this AM. Haven't checked since, since I'm trying not to obsess. My RE wanted me to start the prometrium today...which I did...and from everything that happened yesterday, I feel pretty confident that I already ovulated. Ok, so I'm not checking temps (again, trying not to obsess), but just let me know if you have any experience with this.

Ok, so I'm obsessing a bit!

On to another topic. How about this woman in Arkansas who is pregnant with twins....or not?

Personally, I do wonder if she and her husband are doing this more for attention. I can't imagine having two babies who were conceived 2 weeks apart. From a medical standpoint--ok, so there is some discordant growth. But that's not uncommon with twins. And then she said that there was a blood test that could be done after the babies were born to prove it??? What the heck? The last I knew, there wasn't a blood test to determine gestational age.

Or, she got pregnant twice. And it sounds like she went through infertility treatment in the past, but she denies using any medications with this current pregnancy. Very interesting.

The Day

2009-09-27T18:46:00.002-05:00

The IUI went well. The RE's office was so crowded this morning. I'm guessing they are in the middle of an IVF cycle. There was part of me that wanted to stand up in the waiting room and say "Infertiles Unite!" or something like that. No one looked very happy. Maybe I should've done a comedic routine or something?

Ok, so as you all can tell, I was feeling pretty positive.

My RE was the one to do the IUI. He said he felt really good about this cycle---and how could that not get a girl to smile? He was pleased that there were 2-3 mature follicles--enough to give us a really good chance, but not putting us at huge risk for the high order multiples.

39 million motile sperm.

I was having right sided cramps before the IUI, so I'm assuming the last big stretch of growth before release. I'm hoping the follicle(s) released this afternoon.

Crossing fingers!!!!

Hopeful

2009-09-25T15:37:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling hopeful for this cycle. Regardless, it's nice to feel hope.

We've got some follicles in contention, folks. =) IUI is Sunday.

Here's my stats. Let me know your opinions.

Estradiol 393
Follicles R 20, 17, 16
Left--just a bunch of wimps.

Seriously, what is the deal with my left ovary?

I figure that the other two will grow a bit more and have a good chance by sunday. I do Ovidrel tonight.

Happy weekend everyone!

34

2009-09-24T18:08:00.002-05:00

I am so incredibly sorry I have been so lax on blogging. From taking a month off, to now being back in the full swing of things....well, I have been reading your blogs, but my own has suffered.

Today is my birthday!

Yay!

Except, I'm another year older.

Boo.

I would like to say that I'm having an awesome day, but the follistim this month is taking the life out of me. Headaches, THE BLOAT, you name it, it's mine. I will be SO FREAKING ready to get this IUI done. Please??

I'm cycle day 11 today, day 8 of follistim. I'll post more about that tomorrow after my 50000000 transvaginal ultrasound. =)

But for now, happy birthday to me!

ICLW

2009-08-21T18:05:00.002-05:00

Welcome, ICLW'ers! This is my third time doing ICLW, and it is such a fun and memorable experience. What a great way to find new blogs and friends. So, welcome!

Our story in a nutshell. DH and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years now. We tried for close to a year on our own and, well, it just wasn't happening. I had my ob order some baseline labs, did an HSG and a SA and then got the green light for clomid. We did three cycles of clomid and bd'ing to no avail. Started with the RE in January. DH has low morphology and borderline motility. Did 3 clomid IUI's and all were bfn's. Just finished a follistim IUI with another bfn. (are we sensing a trend here?) Anyway, we're taking this month off before proceeding with another IUI. That, and I'm trying to get my mojo back. IF has a way of taking it away (which we all know so well).

That's us. I'll look forward to meeting some new faces!!

Damn

2009-08-17T15:36:00.003-05:00

Well, there is nothing like a digital pregnancy test to bring you back to reality. What did it say to me this morning? No -. The funny thing is, when I went to check it after a couple of minutes, I had it upside down, so it read "oN-." And I thought, "Oh good, it's on!"

Obviously, I've never done a digital test before.

It's funny. We were really starting to get hopeful this cycle. I was naseous (damn cold with a lot of drainage, but still), I was tired (damn prometrium and probably a little depression), I was refluxing for the first time ever (damn not eating healthy for the past 2 weeks) , and I felt bloated (damn all of the above).

Excuse my cursing, but I just have to right now.

We're ok. It's weird. I dreamt it would be negative last night, and it was this AM. Bizarre.

We're going to take a month off and resume in September. In the meantime, I'm going to get back on the treadmill, eat healthy, and lose the 15 lbs that I've gained since starting infertility treatments. This is OUT OF CONTROL.

In the meantime, DH is going to do another semen analysis--because of the round cells and the lower count in this last sample--and we'll see.

Do we even have the capability to be pregnant? I just don't know right now. Much less a baby, right?

Murmurings of family

2009-08-09T21:12:00.002-05:00

No, that does not mean that I have a big fat positive. It's too soon for that anyway! However, I haven't been too positive on that front...but heck, more on that later. Maybe.

We went to a large family reunion this weekend. It was fascinating. Fascinating to hear stories of generations past, awesome to catch up with close family members, and so very interesting to observe the other 100 or so that you have never met before in your life...and more so, would never recognize as family in the least!

At the large dinner last night with 150 people or so, I found myself observing closely the various divisions of the family. Did all of the couples have children? Young parents or older parents? Obviously adopted children? You just find yourself wondering if the struggles that you are going through run through your family.

Here's what I learned. My great great grandfather and grandmother had 12 children. One set of twins that died in infancy. The other 10 lived to ripe old ages. My great grandfather didn't get married until he was 35 (unusual in the early 1900's, right?). He had his first child when he was 37 and my great grandmother was 35. They had three boys. One of whom was my grandfather. From my own branch, I know that no one had trouble having kids, because everyone has 3-4 and they started having them in their early/mid twenties.

Looking at the other branches of the original 10 was more interesting. There were many that were somewhat older who had children who were younger. One woman, probably in her mid fifties now, was talking to my grandma, and told the ages of her children, and told my grandma she had her first at 37 and her second at 43. She then said that it seemed to be a theme in the family to have children at "older" ages. Ok, I so wanted to ask her if she struggled with infertility. But, probably not an appropriate question to ask a woman who I had just met.

Anyway, family history is interesting, yes?

In my news, no news. My optimism isn't quite bubbling over. (Please detect the sarcasm) I am completely devoid of symptoms that would make me think pregnancy, and my mood has been nothing short of foul when it comes to the likelihood of a BFP. Yes, I need an attitude turn around. I know. I just can't seem to manage it. I'm having so much fun sticking progesterone up in my nether regions twice a day. Knocks my socks off.

Anyway, despite my bad attitude, I had a great weekend. =)

Award

2009-08-09T20:50:00.003-05:00

Thank you so much to both Rambler at my world, my ramblings, Clio at Dancing with Gaia, and BB at Baby to Be for this lovely award. I'm honored!

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

So, I'm passing this along to:

Sarah at Babies Everywhere but None That Call Me Mama
Blahed at Within4One
Fran at Everyone else but me
Pie at Slice of Pie
Courtney at Baby Mama Drama
Lorza at Baby Making Journey
Happy High Heels
MC at Dreams Come True...sometimes

Ok, I also am going with eight, since so many of you have already been nominated for this award. Cheers to you all!!

In the wait

2009-08-03T20:54:00.003-05:00

Well, despite all of my panicking, the IUI went off without a hitch on Sunday. I didn't ovulate before then, but I do think that I am now the queen of ewcm. Please give me my crown.

DH's numbers weren't as stellar as they have been in the past--20 million this time--but still very normal and respectable in terms of numbers. However, there were some round cells in his sample, and as he is having no signs of infection they think that they are immature sperms--which would go along with his previous low morphology. However, if this month doesn't work then I will be revisiting that.

So now it's time for the 2ww. Whatever will be will be. I'm crossing fingers, toes, and anything else on my body that can be crossed! =)

Thanks again everyone for all of your wise words. What would I do?? =)

panic attack

2009-07-31T07:46:00.000-05:00

In the lab, waiting to be called back for my E2. Started having lots of ewcm yesterday. Now, I know it is from the rise in estrogen, but I'm still having panic attacks that I'm ovulating/have ovulated on my own. I need reassurance! And my appt is later this am. Anyone have any stories?

update

2009-07-29T11:39:00.000-05:00

Posting via blackberry today. Thank you so much all for all of your wonderful encouragement yesterday. Still feeling funky, but being in line for Starbucks right now helps!

Just left my appt. We have progress!

Right: 16mm, 10mm, and several smaller

Left: 11mm and several smaller

Estradiol: 129

Slowly but surely! Next appt is likely friday- will know more after my RE calls.

Down Day

2009-07-28T20:01:00.002-05:00

Yet another gal in our office is pregnant. In the past 12 months in an office of 30 people, we've had five pregnancies, one set of twins (no IF), and too many office baby showers to count. I'm tired of my happy smile and my celebratory congratulations. I'm so tired of putting on the happy face.

On the way home today, I entertained the thought of this IUI not working. I saw the next several months stretched ahead with shots, labs, ultrasounds, and BFN. All while every belly in my office but my own is growing. And then I thought, can I go through this again month after month after month? When does this end? When is the news happy?

I don't know the answer to those questions. I don't know if I'll be strong enough. I hope that I don't have to find out. But there is that reality that I might.

Today is just a down day. That's all.

Today's visit--CD 7

2009-07-26T12:52:00.002-05:00

Estradiol- 64
Lots of follicles but none of any significant size yet.

I'm supposed to stay on the same dose of Follistim (100 units). Anybody have any experience with this? Do you typically see much growth after being on meds for 3-4 days?

All in all, I'm pretty satisfied. It's Sunday, I didn't have to miss any work for the appointment, and I had a very yummy brunch of pumpkin pancakes. Next appointment is Wednesday.

I hope this isn't telling the future.

2009-07-24T18:51:00.002-05:00

Why is it that everything in the world right now can be traced back to infertility! It's a freaking license plate!!!!! But of course, as I was walking through a parking lot, it caught my eye. So I took a picture with my cell phone. Lovely, eh?

The shots are going well. 2 nights down. No biggie. I'm feeling nothing...both from the shots themselves and in terms of effects. Next appt is Sunday AM!

today

2009-07-22T17:48:00.000-05:00

I'm posting from my cell phone! (And feeling very much the techie). Waiting for the dh to get off work, I decided to hang out at Starbucks for a bit with an iced coffee.

Well, everything went well today. Lot's of potential little follicles on the U/S and having the u/s while af was around wasn't the WORST thing in the world.

Estradiol--32
FSH--5
Starting follistem dose 100 units.

Now I just have to dial up the dose and shoot myself up! Hopefully, I don't mess it up too badly. :)

But first, dh and I are going to see Harry Potter tonight.

Happy ICLW!

2009-07-21T17:57:00.003-05:00

Welcome ICLW'ers! This is the third time that I have participated in ICLW, and it is such a rewarding experience. What a great opportunity to find and read new blogs!

Just a quick background on my experience thus far. I'm 33, and my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 2 years now. We've gone through rounds of clomid alone, clomid with IUI and are getting ready to embark on IUI with injectible medications. (Follistim) In the meantime, I've had an HSG, a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy, and too many ultrasounds to count. In terms of a diagnosis, my husband has decreased morphology (but great numbers otherwise), and I don't ovulate regularly, have a few fibroids (no longer) and mild endometriosis.

We are really hoping that this next cycle works.

And it starts tomorrow! I will be getting my baseline U/S, FSH, and estradiol. I'll update more tomorrow!

I'm back

2009-07-20T19:09:00.003-05:00

And it's cycle day one. Seriously, I felt no false pretenses about last month, and really knew that I would be here again in my little IF campground. Ok, so I didn't leave, but I zipped up my tent for a couple of weeks and hoped just a little that I could say, "HA HA infertility! Take that! I ovulated on my own, got pregnant, without the help of drugs and a sub specialist! I am woman, hear me roar!"

Yeah, right.

So I have my first appointment on Wednesday. U/S, labs and the dose of Follistim. Bring it on IF. My tent is open, I'm making s'mores, and I'm ready.

Today's visit

2009-07-06T19:52:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm on the road. I had my injection education class today, got the medications ordered, and have 600 units of follistim in my refrigerator gratis. Yay, something for free!

So, I cleared off a shelf in the frig, and that shelf will consist of follistim, HCG, and eggs. That's right, I'm keeping the eggs on the fertility shelf. I can't help myself.

In other crazy news, otherwise known as tmi news, I have EWCM today. So, for the heck of it, I took an OPK and it is positive...two weeks after my surgery and on day 24 of my cycle. So, for the heck of it, dh and I are going to have some fun over the next few days. So, at least I know it will be probably 2 more weeks before I start stimming.....and yes, it's very hard for infertile me to say that I could get pregnant on my own, but we'll see. I'm not exactly holding my breath. =)

I'm getting my meds from IVPcare and signed up for design Rx. My total for 600 units of follistim, HCG shot, and progesterone suppositories is 705.95. How does that sound to everyone?

Just checking in

2009-07-05T14:27:00.002-05:00

And not too much to report. We had a good holiday weekend--I had some stuff to do for work, but otherwise, we've been free. And it's been so nice! Although, I did have all of these plans to go to various local festivals, farmer's market, etc, but we really didn't make it to any of it. Oh well. Next weekend?

I have my injection education class tomorrow. I've done some research on prices and have found some differences between a few different pharmacies (thanks to all of you for your help!!). So, I thought that I would bring that tomorrow..and I've found differences between area labs and what it costs for an estradiol and FSH level...so as long as the turn around time is quick for the cheaper one, I think I might bring that to their attention too. Now, I'm still looking for that free Follistim coupon in my Sunday paper......

Tonight's Dinner

2009-06-29T18:09:00.002-05:00

Ginger-Lime Beef Stir-Fry
(courtesy Cooking Light)

1 Tbsp sugar
1 Tbsp grated, peeled fresh ginger
2 Tbsp fresh lime juice
1 1/2 tsp low-sodium soy sauce
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
1 Tbsp canola oil
12 oz boneless sirloin steak, cut into thin strips
1/4 cup diagonally cut green onions
4 lime wedges

1. Combine first 5 ingredients in a small bowl; stir well with a whisk.
2. heat canola oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium high heat. Add steak; cook 4 minutes or until browned, stirring frequently. Remove from heat; drizzle evenly with ginger-lime mixture. Garnish with onions and lime wedges, if desired. Serve over cellophane noodles.

3 servings
calories: 197
Fat: 9 grams
Fiber: 0.1 grams

This had a great flavor to it, and a good amount of heat as well! I was new to the cellophane noodles--very odd in appearance until you add the sauce--and then, not unlike tofu, they seemed to take on the flavor and color of the rest of the dish.

Next time, I'll take a picture!

Followup visit

2009-06-29T13:00:00.003-05:00

I just got home from my post-op visit. It went well. My incisions are healing well (knew that), I can return to normal activity (does that mean I have to go to the gym?), and he was pleased with the surgery. I have the pictures, but I'm not going to post them. However, I am going to post them on my refrigerator to keep me from eating!--little globules of fat tissue might keep me from eating for awhile!! =)

Anyway, the fibroids were actually good sized---all close to the size of tennis balls. He showed me the endometriosis and the cyst that he removed as well. My RE thinks that we have a pretty good chance with IUI and injectibles--even higher than what he would usually quote, because I have such a glowingly clean reproductive tract now. Woohoo!

I will go in for shot training the beginning of next week and then on to the next phase of this adventure. You know what? I'm excited.

Happy Sunday

2009-06-28T11:50:00.003-05:00

It's the weekend, the temperature outside is at least ten degrees cooler, and my husband made pancakes for breakfast.

Seriously, does life get any better?

I just wanted to thank you all for your thoughtful comments, encouragement, and support over the past week. I continue to be completely floored by this awesome community. I look forward to following everyone's stories, and hope that we all get our wishes soon.

Now me and my full belly are off to a nap.

First day back

2009-06-25T19:30:00.002-05:00

Today was a rough day.

First day back to work. Surrounded by children and pregnant women. One of my partners comes up to me and says "Well, I'm going to be taking a couple of months off in January!" I completely did not get what she was saying. Total blonde moment. I told her, "What do you mean?" She said, "You know, I'm going to be taking a couple of months off work in January." I said, "I don't get it." She said, "I'm pregnant!" Oh, congratulations. I'm happy for you. I'm trying to be happy for you. Ok, I'm not really happy for you. And I feel bad that I'm not happy for you.

I cried with a coworker who is going through IF and who understands.

I had a client ask about my surgery and pointedly ask why I had it done. I told the truth. And then I cried some more. And she was not embarrassed. And she was very understanding. But still.

I've never lost it at work before. Twice in one day. Not a good first day back. Not at all.

And back to the real world

2009-06-24T21:07:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm back to work tomorrow. I'm kicking myself that I just didn't take the whole week off to recover! However, I did a tester day today and spent the day out shopping and survived. In the 100 degree heat.

I can't believe that I just compared shopping to work. Oh my.

So, I'm a little tired, but I'm doing pretty well overall. Sore belly button, but the bloat is just about gone. I'm wishing my post-op appointment was this week!

Ok, I'm going to take advantage of the fact that it is ICLW and ask a question to all of you wonderful women. We're looking at IUI + injectables next. Now, my clinic gives a particular pharmacy to go get the medications, but for those of you who have done them, do you shop around for price? Have any of you found any particularly different prices looking at different pharmacies? You know, since this is all out of pocket, I'm making sure I'm maximizing my dime.

Now, if only I opened up the Sunday paper and there were coupons for infertility. A girl can dream.

ICLW

2009-06-21T13:45:00.002-05:00

Whew! I barely made it in under the deadline this month! Since I am recovering from surgery, I figured that this would be a great week to participate in ICLW. Yay!

Our IF journey is approaching 2 years in August. We have gone through 3 cycles of Clomid, 3 Clomid IUI's, a couple of cancelled IUI's, and most recently, a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. On the laparoscopy, 3 fibroids were removed and some mild endometriosis was removed as well. There was also a large cyst on my ovary that was removed. Roto-rooter of the reproductive organs, I say!!

Anyway, we are hoping that in some way, the surgery helped. We will have a followup visit with the RE in about a week to talk about the surgery and the next step. We're planning on doing IUI with injectibles, but will likely move on to IVF rather quickly as we're paying for all of this out of pocket.

So, that's the egg in a (nut)shell!

I made it

2009-06-19T19:06:00.002-05:00

Well, I figured I'm now with it enough to post--but please ignore me if I don't make any sense.

The surgery went well. It lasted about 2 hours, and he removed 3 fibroids. I did have some mild endometriosis as well, and he removed it all. I feel really happy about the results.

Recovery so far has been fine. I was in a lot of pain in recovery and spent enough time there that my husband got a little worried. We were finally in the car to go home 3 hours later, and now I actually don't feel that bad. I'm in bed catching up on the DVR--Law and Order SVU and multiple things on the Food Network, and dozing in and out of sleep. I'm keeping down fluids, and have actually eaten too! My darling husband bought me those animal cookies that are covered with frosting and sprinkes (something I would never buy for myself, but will when we have kids, you betcha I will!) and they actually taste good. Hopefully I won't be vomiting all night because of that. Oh well.

So thank you thank you thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, and listening. You all are definitely an anchor for me.

Will post more soon.

T minus 3 days

2009-06-16T18:31:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I'm starting to get a little anxious about Friday. I'm measuring my level of anxiety by the number of M&M's I have eaten...see, unfortunately, we have the world's largest bag of M&M's in the pantry, because I bought the aforementioned world's biggest bag at the wholesale club to make the world's largest batch of monster cookies. But I have many many M&M's left. And I think I ate at least 10 servings tonight. Has anyone ever mixed popcorn and M&M's together? Very very good. But I digress....

I called the RE's office today because I hadn't heard a definitive time from the surgery center. Nine AM. His first surgery. THANK GOODNESS. I was really crossing my fingers that I would be in the morning, so I wouldn't have to wait and wait and wait. Bring on the anxiolytics!!!!!!

I'm so ready to put this behind us. Move on and get closer to that baby. That's my motto.

My husband

2009-06-09T20:23:00.002-05:00

Today, my husband comes home from work and starts talking about how a co-worker keeps talking about his newly pregnant wife. Supposedly, all the man can do is complain to my husband about how much she gets up to pee at night, and how they got pregnant while on birth control, and on and on. And this man knows how we've been struggling in that department.

Then, my husband went on to say, "Honey, I'll love it when you wake me up at night because you have to pee so much. "

I love that man. Love him.

oh wow

2009-06-08T11:09:00.002-05:00

I can not believe that it has been three weeks since I have posted. Does it help to say that I have been on vacation for the last week--that I'm tan and at least 5 lbs heavier? (I'm going to give myself a break from the scale for a week, so hopefully the aftermath is a bit smaller)

We went on vacation with family last week-and got to spend a lot of time with my 2 year old niece. She was darling. And I felt blessed for the time. And, if anything, it renewed my faith that I do very much want to be a mother. In the midst of treatments, I sometimes get in the mind frame of thinking that maybe we should just give up and live child-free. That maybe this isn't meant to be. That me not getting pregnant means that I'm not supposed to be a mother. So, in the midst of a week of relaxation, I see chubby fingers and toes, a laugh that makes your heart melt, and little fingers that hold your face just so...and I realize that this is a portion of my life that I don't want to miss. I see my husband with her, and I can't wait for him to have children of his own. He's going to be such an amazing father.

On a different note, my lap is next friday, and I'm a little scared. There. Got it out on paper (internet). I have never had surgery before. Of any kind. And while I'm no stranger to the medical community, having something done to yourself is an entirely different thing. I feel really vulnerable. And unsure.

So, I'm back. And will be posting. I'm getting through all of the blogs that I read. You all make me cheer. Some of the recent stories are bringing tears to my eyes. Oh, why do we have to go through all of this?

The visit

2009-05-17T21:14:00.002-05:00

I think that overall the appointment went well. I really like our RE. He's smart, seems kindhearted, and I like hearing him say that he's going to get us pregnant. Now I just need to believe it.

We went through possible plans. He would like to do a laparoscopy (which I have mentioned before) and the reason for that is two-fold. First, I have a couple of fibroids, both medium-sized. They are outside my uterus, but who the heck knows if they are contributing to all of this. Secondly, he would like to see if I have any endometriosis. Fair enough.

So, I did find out that insurance will cover the lap because of my fibroids. Hidden blessing there! Now, I just need to swing some work stuff around so I can take a few days off. Hopefully, I will be able to work that out tomorrow. Work is making me want to scream lately. But that's a whole other topic.

If insurance wouldn't have covered the lap, we would've gone right to IVF. However, if I get a clean uterus/tubes/etc, then we may try 1-2 rounds of IUI with injectibles. I told the RE point blank that we weren't going to do 3-4 IUI's with injectibles because of the cost. I really don't know how we are going to swing all of this, but we'll just start saving like crazy.

After our vacation in two weeks. Yay!!!!!

Not a lot to report

2009-05-11T13:31:00.002-05:00

But just wanted to say that I'm still here. I'm reading blogs, rallying behind you all, and gearing up for my doctor's appointment this Friday. I may not update until after the appointment. We'll see.

On the great comment of the day:

From a co-worker to me and another co-worker (who is pregnant): "Happy Mother's Day!"

Then....

"Oh, I'm sorry, you're not a mother, so never mind" (to me).

Me: "No I'm not."

Did everyone else survive yesterday?

2009-04-30T18:54:00.002-05:00

Hello. My eggs are still scrambled. Not pregnant. Didn't think that I was, so really, that wasn't even in my thought processes. More just making sure that if I did miscarry, that my HCG was zero, zilch, nada. And it was.

I have a meeting with the RE in a couple of weeks to discuss the next step. Injectibles? IVF? Surgery? Stay tuned! =)

As if things couldn't get any weirder

2009-04-29T16:12:00.002-05:00

I've had a bad day today.

I had my U/S appointment today. Instead of the nurse who usually does my U/S, my great RE came in...saying basically that here I was at IUI #4 and if it didn't take this time, that we would need to start talking options. This I was expecting. So, he quickly ran through surgery, injectibles, and IVF and said that we would talk more if it came to that.

Then the ultrasound. First my endometrium. "Hmm, this is interesting," says my RE. (Just what you want to hear. Then the right ovary. No activity. Then the left ovary. Giant 3cm cyst. Then he says--well your endometrium is unusually thick (I think he said around 25mm)..was your last period unusual? Me-well, long luteal phase, not very long period, etc, etc. He-well, this may indicate a pregnancy, but at this point, hard to tell. (To me--non viable pregnancy)

So, we're running labs. E2, progesterone, and HCG.

And I don't get the results until tomorrow.

So, I left their office and luckily, had things to do for work that didn't involve going into the office. More about that later.

I feel numb right now. Absolutely numb.

Yeah, so obviously no IUI tomorrow.

Dinner tonight

2009-04-27T18:33:00.002-05:00

There's something cathartic about cooking a good meal. It's even better when it's good.....wait for it....and healthy. I'm a subscriber to Cooking Light magazine. And while its food isn't the lightest there is, it's good food. And healthy. We made the below stir-fry for dinner tonight. I wish I could serve up a plateful to everybody, because it was just that good. If you like Chinese food, please make this. You won't be sorry.

And as an aside (can you tell I'm trying to put IF on the back burner this month?), I told my husband, "Wow, I haven't had many side effects from the Clomid this month!" His response? Eye rolling. Ok, maybe I don't notice the side effects anymore, because I've been taking it for 4 cycles now, and perhaps I should just label myself Permanent Bitch. Oh boy.

U/S on Wednesday morning. If all looks good, IUI on Thursday afternoon.

Chicken, Cashew, and Red Pepper Stir Fry

3 3/4 tsp cornstarch
2 Tbsp low sodium soy sauce
2 tsp dry sherry
1 tsp rice wine vinegar
3/4 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp tabasco
1 lb chicken breast, cut into thin strips
1/2 cup (or more if you love cashews like I do) cashews
2 Tbsp canola oil
2 cups julienne cut red bell pepper (one large)
1 tsp minced garlic
1/2 tsp minced peeled fresh ginger
3 Tbsp thinly sliced green onions

Combine 1 tsp cornstarch, 1 Tbsp soy sauce, and the next 4 ingredients (through hot pepper sauce) in a small bowl; stir with a whisk.

Comine remaining 2 3/4 tsp cornstarch, remaining 1 Tbsp soy sauce and chicken in a medium bowl; toss well to coat.

Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add cashews to pan; cook 3 minutes or until lightly toasted, stirring frequently. Remove from pan.

Add oil to pan, swirling to coat. Ad chicken mixture to pan; saute 2 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove chicken from pan; place in a bowl. Add bell pepper to pan; saute 2 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add garlic and ginger; cook 30 seconds. Add chicken and cornstarch mixture to pan; cook 1 minute or until sauce is slightly thick. Sprinkle with cashews and green onions. Yield: 4 servings (one cup/serving).

KCal: 325
Fat: 16 grams
Protein: 30 grams
Carb 13.5 grams
Fiber 2 grams

Serve with Rice--after preparing rice, add 2 Tbsp chopped water chestnuts, 1/2 tsp crushed red pepper, 1/4 tsp salt, and 1/4 tsp pepper. Top with the stir fry and enjoy!!!

Sunday ABC's

2009-04-26T20:42:00.003-05:00

A: Apples. As in an apple a day keeps the doctor away. I've sworn off apples in hopes that I can have many prenatal appointments in the near future. =)

B: Baking. I'm quite good at it.

C: Calendar. I'm trying not to be obsessed with it. As in Cycle day ???

D: Disney! I'm going in 5 weeks!

E: Eggs. They are the one food I don't like. Go figure.

F: Family. So thankful for them. I wouldn't be making it through this chapter of my life without them.

G: God. Same as F.

H: Husband. My rock.

I: Ice Cream! My weakness. Especially Snickerdoodle icecream.

J: Journey. While this one has been amazing, I would like for it to end. =)

K: Kart, as in Mario Kart. I'm addicted. I'm ashamed to admit it.

L: Life. Very thankful for it.

M: Music. I'm currently listening to U2's new cd. I don't have an opinion on it yet

N: Nap. Took one today. It was glorious.

O: Over it. So over IUI's.

P: Piano. I took lessons for many many years.

Q: Queen for a day?

R: Reecheep. The mouse from the chronicles of Narnia. We're watching it right now.

S: Sleepy. Even with the nap.

T: Takeout. That was our dinner tonight.

U: Underwhelmed. That's how I feel about this cycle.

V: Very underwhelmed

W: Wii. I'm digging it.

X: Marks the spot?

Y: Like others, I ask myself that often.

Z: Zoo. Life in reality.

Totally digging the hugs

2009-04-22T19:53:00.002-05:00

Happy ICLW! This is my first time foraging into this, and already, I have to say that I love it. How amazing that the world is just becoming a little bit smaller through blogging. What a treat to find and read new blogs too! My heart resonates with each new blog that I read, and I wish that I could take more time just to read and soak you all in. Amazing people you all are.

We are having a wonderful evening. My husband grilled chicken and I made roasted vegetables (asparagus, red pepper, sweet potatoes, squash and onions) and also stuffed mushrooms!! Oh, and a glass of wine. The weather here is GORGEOUS and it just makes me thankful for the newness of spring.

Hopefully spring will bring new life to all of you!!! =)

Round 4--could this please be the knockout round? Please?

2009-04-20T18:28:00.004-05:00

Clomid and I are becoming friends again this week. I'm pretty sure this will be the last time, so I'm really hoping that she delivers. She (Clomid) is otherwise affectionately known as "Clo" around these parts. As in, "Oh Clo, you're making me crazy again. Oh Clo, you're giving me hot flashes. Oh Clo, can I blame my weight gain on you?" Anybody? Anybody?

Of course, who am I to know if it is the last time? In my initial consult with the RE, he said we would do clomid IUI's 3-4 times before moving on. I don't really WANT to move on (from the financial standpoint) but if that is what is needed, that is what is needed.

Question. How many of you have had a laparoscopy looking for endo? I really have never had any concerns or thoughts that I had endometriosis, but from reading on the blog world, it seems like there are many women who have it at the time of surgery and never had any symptoms. I mention this because (in the beginning) my RE had mentioned the possibility of a lap prior to starting IUI with injectibles. And for those of you who have absolutely shitty or non-existent insurance coverage for infertility (me! me!) if you had a lap, was it covered? The thought of paying thousands of dollars for surgery and then turning around and doing more infertility treatments is making my brain spin.

back in the saddle

2009-04-19T13:51:00.003-05:00

I'm sorry that it's been a few days. I did basically up and disappear. But it was from the blog world only. This has been a busy weekend!

I did get AF. It's ok. I think. There is a reason for everything, right? It's funny, I started this month thinking that this cycle wouldn't work, but then I just got so EXCITED. I let the baby fever envelope me again, and you know what? I think that's ok. Because with every let-down, there is a reason. There's a let down because I was up on a higher perch for a few days. And that's healthy. I can't stay depressed. And today, I'm climbing up out of my hole. At least a few steps out.

I'll write more later. Must get my 90210 fix.

2009-04-16T06:38:00.000-05:00

Tested this AM. It was negative. I'm reeling.

Where's the hope in all of this?

update

2009-04-14T18:10:00.003-05:00

It's 14dpIUI and no AF yet. If I follow last month's pattern, she should show her face tomorrow. As for sx? BB's sore to the touch, no real cramping, constipated, moody as all get out. Positive signs? Maybe. Only time will tell. I'm so beyond analyzing symptoms or lack thereof.

Have I mentioned that tomorrow is my husband's birthday? I hope first off for a BFP but secondly, I hope for no AF tomorrow (because of pregnancy!!) So, what an awesome birthday present that would be. I can't get myself to buy a test though. Argh.

Sorry to be MIA. =( I've been thinking about you all a lot! Just wanted to try and not get caught up in things too much. Yeah, and how did that work out? It didn't!!!

2009-04-06T21:28:00.002-05:00

So, it's 6dpIUI and I'm having little cramps. If this hadn't happened last month too, I'd be excited for implantation. But this happened last month too, and it's taking everything in me not to think that this cycle is a bust. Everything in me. Because. I'm. Trying. To. Be. Positive.

On a better note, I'm taking one step at a time to climb out of my unhealthy funk. I'm embarrassed when I think about how sedentary I have been over the past few weeks. The excuse of, "don't want to exercise during the 2ww because I may jostle out the baby" ain't going to fly anymore. Because it's not going to help any potential baby if I'm not healthy. So, my gym and I got reacquainted tonight. Low impact people. Low impact. You know, might jostle the baby. =)

On another exercise note, do any of you have a wii? I have the fit and just bought the game "My fitness coach" this weekend. It's great! Before you even start working out, it puts you through a series of tests--similar to a personal trainer and then helps you set up fitness goals. It sets up a goal calendar and revisits your goals and such every 10 workouts. Hey, anything to motivate.

Me and my crampy self are going to sleep.

Lazy Sunday

2009-04-05T17:33:00.002-05:00

I have had a fantastic weekend! DH took me out for a fabulous dinner for our anniversary and we had a wonderful meal. Good company too. =)

We've just relaxed this weekend and done a number of fun little things. We went to our area zoo and took in a local restaurant that we've been wanting to try for awhile. Today, we relaxed and he made waffles!

Ok, are you seeing the theme here? Food!

I got on the scale yesterday, and I've gained 7 lbs since starting IUI in January. Ikes. So, in the midst of the yummy eating this weekend, I did some LOW IMPACT exercising. I am not using the 2ww excuse not to exercise anymore. So, tomorrow, me and weight watchers might become good friends again. =) Oh well, at least it's 7 lbs and not 20.

5 years ago today

2009-04-03T14:27:00.001-05:00

I married the man of my dreams. Happy anniversary baby!

And on that note, we are having a weekend of fun. Lots of good food, adventures, and taking pictures with our new canon digital rebel. Woohoo!

Award!

2009-04-01T18:57:00.003-05:00

Yay! I have been given an award from Can you Imagine, a sister in infertility and a blog I just love. This award goes to blogs that show great attitude.

So here's the scoop:

1. Put the Lemonade Award logo on your blog or post
2. Nominate blogs that show great attitude or gratitude
3. Link to your nominees within your post
4. Let the nominees know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5. Share the love and link to the person from whom you received your award

Here's who I'm passing along the award to:

Dreams Come True....Sometimes
Courtney
Baby? Maybe..Or Maybe Not
Erica
Strong Blonde

I think all of you ladies are incredible. You've been such an inspiration to me in so many different ways. I'm so thankful for the outlet of blogging...who thought that I would stumble onto such an incredible ring of support! I hope that eventually every IF blogger has this award listed on their blogs...because everyone deserves it.

I've changed

2009-03-31T21:08:00.002-05:00

The appearance of my blog, that is. I was feeling somewhat depressed every time I opened up my blog, so I needed a change. So, the Easter theme can signify the obvious (yay, easter!), my blog title, or springtime. I'll take it all.

So, today went well! I had a different nurse doing the IUI. And unlike the first two, she had no problems whatsoever getting the catheter in. And, she had my husband shoot it in. And, well, it just felt more personal. So, I liked that. We'll see!

Sneaky ovaries!

2009-03-30T13:59:00.002-05:00

You were hiding a 20 mm follicle in there and just didn't want me to know!

Off to the races tomorrow. I'm happy!

2009-03-29T18:45:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is my day 12 U/S to see if the follicles are growing. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I didn't respond to the medication this month. Why you might ask? Well, I can tell (as I'm sure you all can too) when my body is getting closer to ovulating. And, well, either my body is in a full on I'm fooling you mode, or it has just shut down. I'll try not to be too pessimistic, but it's hard not to be.

I want me back. I'm so tired of hedging my emotions on clomid, ovulation, 2 week waits, periods, pregnant friends, concerned friends, etc. I don't want to live in a bubble anymore. I want to be happy, to pursue life with the same vigor that I'm pursuing infertility treatment. I want to see yellow and red and blue and not just shades of grey. I'm worried that I'm getting depressed because of all of this. I even look at this blog and go "Blah!" This is so depressing! I want to give you all a sense of who I am, but all I feel like I'm doling out is the sad, shadow of someone who once was. And then I think, what baby would be happy with a mama who is as sad as me? Will I come out of this when/if I have a child?

I wish and want to have more strength. God, give me strength.

I hate Clomid

2009-03-26T19:25:00.001-05:00

I have NEVER had as many side effects with it as I have this month. Night sweats? Try waking up all night long. Headaches? All day. Moodiness? Check. Rage? Check. Close to being psychotic? Check check.

Thank God I have such a good husband.

Day 5, part 2

2009-03-23T18:12:00.002-05:00

I saw my RE at the grocery store today. The funny and weird thing is, I ran in the other direction. The really funny thing is that we were depositing our health savings account refund from last month's IUI.

Hmm.

Day 5

2009-03-23T12:53:00.002-05:00

Just checking in. I don't really have all that much to report.

My emotions have been up and down. It's a bummer that as soon as my hormones feel like normal that I'm starting clomid again. Ok, not a bummer in the real sense, just to my psyche. I've been mentally revving myself up for this cycle, and frankly, it's hard not to imagine another failure. Again, trying not to think that way.

What I'm focusing on more than anything is getting my life back. Over the past two weeks, I've been so obsessed with the two week wait that I neglected a lot of other things in my life. Easy to do, yes? I stupidly convinced myself I shouldn't be working out in the two week wait, so my flab is becoming more flabby. Ick. I haven't taken much "me" time, God time, or reflection time. I haven't stayed in good contact with friends. The list goes on. I'm not beating myself up, but as I'm going through this, I'm realizing that it's ESSENTIAL to maintain some sense of normalcy. Especially when I'm doing only Clomid and IUI. Of course, still hoping that it won't go past that, but again, who the heck knows.

So, this afternoon, I'm going to clean our bedroom (ICK!), find a good book, and get some exercise. Have I mentioned that I don't work on Monday afternoons? How sweet is that! For that, I'm extremely grateful.

I hope that this month results in a baby. I'm going to hold that faint little glimmer. I'm going to try.

Day 1

2009-03-19T17:59:00.000-05:00

AF found me this morning. And I found a margarita tonight.

14dpIUI

2009-03-18T18:51:00.002-05:00

And still negative this morning. And still no AF. The only thing I can think is that I ovulated later than I thought--back to the ewcm the day after IUI. Who the heck knows. Advice appreciated. I think if AF hasn't shown up, I'll test again Friday and call the RE.

On another note, I just wanted to express my heartfelt thanks for you all in the blogosphere. I wish I knew you all in real life--I'm sending you all big hugs. Thanks so much for the support.

13dpIUI

2009-03-17T20:48:00.003-05:00

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you have never done. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you"

This may be my new mantra.

So, AF still has not shown her face. I broke down today over lunch and bought a hpt. It was negative. I sat in a community bathroom watching my watch for three minutes and refused to look at the result until the three minutes were up. In a community bathroom. I think I've lost my mind.

So, I'm really confused as to why AF hasn't shown up yet. My luteal phase is usually 11 days, so I'm in uncharted territory. Could the increase in clomid have increased my luteal phase? Does the trigger affect it? I'm assuming I'm out for this month, but I think I'll use the other HPT with a first morning urine tomorrow if af hasn't shown up. Symptoms? My bb's are now sore, but that maybe be more from the frequency that I've checked to see if the girls are sore.

Sigh.

It doesn't help that out of the last 3 nights, I've dreamt that I was pregnant 2 nights.

11dpIUI

2009-03-15T15:47:00.002-05:00

And though AF has not yet reared her ugly head, I feel that she soon will. We've been marveling at my lack of cramps and lack of grouchiness and well just the lack of general PMS--thinking, "This must be good news, right?" Well, today, I feel the tightening in my uterus, the familiar..."well, this will be happening soon" feeling, and you know what? Today, I think I'm ok. And I know that later tonight, I may not be. Or tomorrow.

The facts are, this is a journey. It's a journey I REALLLY REALLY want to find the finish line to, but I don't know...it may be longer than I want it to be. Sometimes, all of this just feels like a dream. Like, this really isn't happening. That I really haven't said that I'm wanting to conceive. This was all a trial run. That the moment I really really put my mind to it, I'll get pregnant.

But that's really not what it is at all. I am so not in control here. And I know that I've said it a million times before, but I'm just reminding myself. That this infertility journey is REAL. That we really are waiting to see what is going to happen next. That no matter how many times I visualize two lines in my head, that it may be awhile...it may be never...that I actually see that for myself. I cringe as I even write that. Never.

Oh, I'm not giving up. We're in this for the long haul. I'm just realizing that this infertility journey may be a little bit longer than I thought. Lack of control. It's a bitch.

9dpIUI

2009-03-13T14:47:00.002-05:00

And I'm definitely nearing the anxiety filled part of the 2ww. Ok, not riddled with anxiety, but my body and my symptoms (or lack thereof) fill my mind most of the hours of the day.

I had a dream last night that I had a positive hpt. It was interesting though (just as all dreams are). The test was rather high tech--to the point that not only was the result digital, but it spewed out a bunch of other information as well--like a beta HCG. Nice, so now I'm getting numerical blood results through my urine. It was nice to dream of a positive though. Or perhaps, this has been filling my mind so much that it's spilled over to my dreams!

I really haven't had any symptoms....so that's not really a positive. I did have some pretty significant cramping over days 5-7, but that's abated now...at least for the most part. I'm not having normal PMS cramping yet, but again, that wouldn't be a first either. Nor am I having sore bbs. But, yet, I've NEVER BEEN PREGNANT...so what the heck do I know!

Whine alert

2009-03-09T14:19:00.002-05:00

At my work there are three women pregnant. And a fourth who just had a baby. I've tried to convince myself that I'm ok with this--and part of me is, I'm happy for them, really!--but at the same time, it's just becoming harder and harder every day. Harder to sit and smile and laugh during multiple baby showers. Harder to see women rubbing their bellies. Harder to listen to nursery designs and decorations. You get the picture.

I. Just. Want. It. To. Be. Me.

Enough. Pity party over for the moment.

On another note, one of the women was complaining because she had a transvaginal ultrasound. She looked at me, and said, "I can't tell you how lucky you are because you haven't had to experience this."

Oh yes, sister. I have. 4 times in the last month actually. And I would submit myself to the dildo cam everyday if it meant that a baby would result.

3dpIUI

2009-03-07T22:04:00.002-06:00

And all is well. Seriously.

I'm feeling fine. Definite continued cramping, but I'm attributing this to the HCG injection. And I'm in the midst of the worst breakout that I've had since 19. Love it.

Regardless, I'm so happy that it is the weekend. We are in the midst of thunderstorms here and to me, listening to the rain is the perfect Saturday night. Have I gotten old or what???

ok, so?

2009-03-05T19:39:00.002-06:00

So, I'm post IUI day 1 and I'm still having EWCM. I know, TMI, but I just don't know. Did we completely miss it? Trigger shot was at 0730 on Tuesday--had a lot of cramping that night and EWCM, wednesday afternoon had the IUI--and my nurse made the comment of--well, too bad we can't use any lube with the speculum...except you certainly don't need any! Hahahaha. Anyway, I've felt super tired today (all the excitement plus the trigger, I'm assuming) but continue to have different cramping...I really don't know how to describe it, and continued mucous. Argh.

So, we're doing the natural thing and bd'ing on top of the IUI but I just don't know. Of course, I've never had a trigger shot before. Opinions?

64 million motile sperm

2009-03-04T17:41:00.002-06:00

We like them numbers. Very much.

Has anyone ever had problems with an IUI before? Specifically, I have a retroverted uterus, so both IUI's--the nurse has had problems threading the catheter. It took quite awhile this time. Am I just THAT inhospitable?

I really hope that this worked. Of course, I really hope that every month. We all do.

The eggs are cooking

2009-03-03T18:01:00.002-06:00

So, this cycle has REALLY flown. I can't believe that I am staring my second IUI in the face. That's right...the ovaries responded to the cocktail of dexamethasone + clomid. I had my U/S today and there are two follicles on the right--one measuring 20mm and the other almost 18. There's another on the left, but he's only 14mm, so he may not give me much hope.

So, that's good news!

And I'm in a more positive mood today. So tired of moods. Seriously, on the way to the RE today, I was telling myself that my ovaries didn't respond and that I was going to have to try and not cry this time. WHY WHY WHY do I have to be so negative! I think I may post more on this later.

IUI tomorrow. We're crossing our toes, fingers, hair , and whatever else.

I made it to day 12

2009-02-22T13:12:00.000-06:00

And then AF reared its ugly head. I knew she was coming--but I couldn't help but hope that the cramps were something else.

One week down

2009-02-16T14:17:00.002-06:00

And one week to go. As true to form, as excited and hopeful that I was last week, this week, I'm feeling more down and negative. Why? This makes me so mad. Why can't I stay excited and hopeful???

It's funny. I can envision a positive pregnancy test. I can see that day. Why can't I realize that it may in fact someday be a reality? It could even be this month? Am I trying to protect myself from failure or have I really become this negative??

On the viral front, I'm a congested mess. Afrin is my best friend. WOohoo!

I'm falling apart!

2009-02-15T10:54:00.002-06:00

Vomiting at work, not fun. Less fun is that everyone at my office now thinks that I'm pregnant. You know, heaven forbid that a woman of child-bearing age get a stomach virus. Even one of my partners just smiled at me when he found out that I was sick. Smiled! If only I could've made it out of the office without vomiting.

It would be great to think that vomiting 5 days after IUI meant that I was already having morning sickness, but I'm thinking that's impossible. Much more possible is that every virus available is hitting my body this weekend...after the vomiting friday came the cold on saturday and the general misery and stuffiness today. This is lovely!

So, I'm now 7dpIUI and besides my lovely virus, don't really feel anything. Minorly sore breasts, but nothing to write home about. Occasional uterus/ovary twinges, but I really don't know what to make of that. I'm trying to think positively. Trying. Trying to realize that all of this is part of the journey of us adding to our family. Regardless of the outcome. Argh.

And to prove that I'm not in control...

2009-02-09T15:26:00.002-06:00

I had a positive ovulation predictor test yesterday! On CD 24!

I called the RE this AM and we went in and did IUI! My cervix was open and there was "lots" of ewcm. My doctor thinks that the dexamethasone helped to trigger ovulation. I'll take it.

My husband's sperm count looked great and my body looked favorable. So, instead of waiting for AF, we're officially in the 2ww!

WOW!

To be positive

2009-02-07T16:26:00.003-06:00

Everything I'm feeling right now can be summed up in the words of another infertility blogger. Click here to read.

I'm always planning for the next step. I haven't even done IUI yet on Clomid--since I had lack of ovulation this month, and I'm planning and worried about IUI with injectable medications. I haven't even done a single IUI yet, and I'm thinking about IVF. I haven't even done IUI yet, and I'm already planning on it being a process that doesn't result in a baby. I'm completely sabotaging myself, and NOT trusting in God. And I realize that I'm doing it and I have those thought processes partially to protect myself. Protect myself from the pain. Protect myself from staying vulnerable. Protect myself from hope.

Sigh.

I search other blogs that are going through IUI and I see more that don't succeed than do. And I somehow bring that back to ME and think that I'm not going to be successful.

Sigh.

I am not in control. I am not in control.

It's a bust

2009-02-02T15:04:00.002-06:00

Sigh.

Never, never, never in my wildest imagination would I have thought that I wouldn't ovulate this month. I have never never never not ovulated on clomid. So, imagine my shock last week when I went to the clinic for my ultrasound and there were no growing follicles. Disbelief. I felt like my body had utterly failed me. Again.

And I went through all of the stages of grief in the last week just over a lack of ovulation. I was not at all mentally prepared for that. I think I need to buck up a little. I mean, we could be pregnant in the next couple of months. But this also could be a very long road ahead. I'm not being pessimistic. Really.

Only the grace of God is getting me through this. I know that He is faithful regardless. Regardless of my malfunctioning body. Argh!

So, my RE started me on daily low-dose dexamethasone. And I'll go up on the clomid next cycle. And if that doesn't work, then we are on to injectibles. All I can do is try to maintain some level of sanity. And this week is so much better than last week. I'm back exercising, eating right, having alone time, having God time. And all I can do is take this day by day.

On another note, I can not help but comment on the craziness that is the octuplets that were born recently. I'm sure that it has been mentioned in one way or another on every infertility blog. The most recent news states that she is a single college educated female who has obtained sperm through donation, and yes, these two pregnancies resulting in 14 children were from IVF and not IUI. I have so many layers of thoughts on this, that I can't even comment well at this point. All I can say is, how irresponsible is that RE? And who in their right mind would put in 8????? And who is this woman and how mentally unstable can she be? Maybe I'll write more later.

This is the week!

2009-01-25T11:25:00.002-06:00

IUI this week folks! I asked dh over brunch today how he was feeling, and he said he was nervous and excited. Right now, I'm just excited. I'm not feeling any level of apprehension, just expectation. And not unrealistic, either. I honestly just feel this level of excitement building inside of me. And I think that's ok. It's ok to be positive about this, right??

On another note, WHY do estradiol pills need to be made with blue dye? I mean, I have to stick this pill inside my vagina every evening, and (I'm sorry for the tmi) I'm SICK of seeing blue dye in the morning! Why oh why couldn't the manufacturer make the pills white?

So, we go in Tuesday for the day 12 ultrasound. I'm praying for an appropriate sized follicle(s). If the eggs are appropriately baked, I'll trigger and come back the next day for insemination. Woohoo!

yin/yang

2009-01-21T19:05:00.002-06:00

I'm happy for my pregnant friends, I really am.

I'm excited for them.

I smile, I ask questions, I support them.

But at the end of the day, I go home and cry. I'm insanely jealous.

It's all about the waiting

2009-01-19T13:34:00.000-06:00

As if trying to get pregnant the good old fashioned way isn't a lesson in patience, obviously infertility is that same lesson to the 100th degree.

Everything is a waiting game, and I really don't want to become consumed by it. But I have failed at this so far. First off, I divide my months into three. It's impossible not to do this. The first part is the menstruation part and the prior to the time when it is close to ovulation part. This is honestly the most serene part of my month. There's nothing to think about, nothing to plan, nothing to overanalyze.

The second part of the month is the time prior to ovulation during ovulation and immediately post ovulation. Am I going to ovulate? Are we having sex enough? At the right times? Can I try to make this fun when it just all seems so clinical??? And then I relax again when my temperature shoots up.

The third part is the dreaded 2 week wait. At first, all is calm. No biggy. Then comes the--are my breasts tender really? Are these cramps? Is this implantation tenderness? And then so far the inevitable...I know my period is going to start, so let's just GET THIS OVER WITH!

I don't want to be this way. Maybe getting it out in the open will help. I KNOW in my head that there is NOTHING that I can do that will change things, and in fact, my worry is not helping me. I'm praying, trying to relax, trying to realize that NONE OF THIS IS IN MY CONTROL, but yet, the cycle repeats. I'm not sure how IUI is going to play in to all of this, but hopefully, I can just

RELAX.

From Here to There

2009-01-16T19:13:00.000-06:00

Well, I've really failed at this blogging thing! I'm starting to realize that I might need this as a way of getting out thoughts....and I think my husband is going to start blogging on here too! It's crazy, I think at the time that I started this blog, I was in complete denial about "infertility." I thought that we would just get pregnant....eventually...and I wouldn't have to deal with this...or write about it...again.

I was wrong.

After the last time I wrote, we did one more month of Clomid through the ObGyn. I ovulated, but no pregnancy. That was close to the time of thanksgiving, so we decided to take the holidays off. I really do think that was a good decision. It was nice to not have my hormones going all over the place for those 2 months, and just to be able to enjoy the season. After the Holidays were over, we had our first appointment with the RE. It went well. I was completely geared up to cry the entire appointment, but I didn't shed a tear. My husband would say that I just got into "shop talk" with the RE. And that would be the truth. Being a physician myself, I stuck to the clinical side of things while talking to him. Was that healthy? For the time being, yes. He was pleasant and intelligent, and I think we'll work well together. He didn't seem at all impressed with our labwork...including my husband's semen analysis. My husband had 2% morphology on his semen analysis, and I've heard conflicting statements on if this is significant or not. My husband's other numbers are "spectacular" in the words of the RE. So, we'll see. Basically, I think after the initial conversation both of us were like "so why haven't we gotten pregnant yet?" We went through our options, and his suggestion...surprise! was IUI. Our first cycle will be monitored with an U/S and an HCG trigger shot. I'll take Clomid and then vaginal estradiol. I'm assuming progesterone as well, but who knows. I forgot to ask. Then he did an U/S because I do have fibroids...and he wanted to visualize them himself and make sure that they weren't inside of my uterus and that they weren't too big. They weren't and they weren't.

So, that's where we are at. Today is D1 of my cycle. On day 12 we'll go in for the U/S.

Now, if only I can find my sanity....

AF

2008-10-18T06:26:00.001-05:00

Well, I started my period last night. On cycle day 25. I've never had a cycle that short; although last month, my luteal phase was 11 days. I'll talk to my doctor on Monday. I'll write more later.

POD 5 or 7???

2008-10-13T13:58:00.000-05:00

Oh, this is SO confusing. So, I had the positive OPT 7 days ago (Day 15). Supposedly, the tests (LH surge) predicts ovulation within 24.48 hours. So, did I ovulate on day 15,16, or 17? If I actually had anyone following this blog, I would take a poll.

I did have fertile CM on days 15, 16, and kindof on 17. So, my bet would be on day 16. I had ovulation pain the evening of day 15 and the morning of day 16. My temp went up 0.1 of a degree on both day 16 and day 17. On day 18, it went up 0.5 degrees. So, it could've been day 17. Argh!!

Nonetheless, this is cycle day 22. I got a progesterone level today. I know that I ovulated, but it will be interesting to see what the number is this month.

Here's this month on fertility friend: October 2008

Baby dust!!!!!!

D Day

2008-10-06T14:01:00.001-05:00

It's day 15. And today, I experienced something that I never have before....a positive ovulation predictor kit! Woohoo! So, for lack of better words, we've been doing it like rabbits around here. My husband hopefully will be coming home from work early, so we can continue. We're crossing our fingers and hoping for the best...but at the same time aren't getting our hopes up TOOOOO much. Ok, maybe a little.

About me.

2008-09-29T13:03:00.001-05:00

About 13 months ago, my husband of then 3 years and I decided that we would throw away the birth control and try to have children. Cool, huh? Except that now, a year later, I'm not pregnant. I've learned that I don't ovulate regularly and now, I'm starting on month #2 of Clomid. Even more fun. I'm dealing with the side effects, but more importantly, am trying to maintain some level of sanity with the emotional ups and downs that come both with the Clomid and with infertility in and of itself.

My usual response to this kind of stress would be emotional eating. But I'm working on that not being my life. As guessed, I'm on a constant battle for weight loss, and have lost close to 50 lbs! I need to lose another 20, and I'm getting there. My weight loss has been of a conscious decision to change my lifestyle, focusing on eating whole foods rather than processed foods, and regular exercise. It's a war, and I lose some battles, but I feel like overall, I'm doing great!

I have an awesome spouse, who is incredibly supportive and a great group of friends and family. I'm going to try blogging as an outlet, and who knows? We'll see how it goes. I plan on blogging about my infertility journey, my love of food (healthily) and my growing love of exercise. With a splash of life mixed in, of course. =)