year one in pictures

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You're almost one

On February 9th, 2010 at 5:23 AM, our lives changed forever. I remember sitting with dh in the somewhat dark waiting room watching people sleep, knowing you were in the process of being born. We weren't able to be in the delivery room because your birth mother was having a c-section. Before we knew it though, the OB came out and said that you were healthy and absolutely beautiful. She led us back into the recovery room and there was S (birth mom), holding a tiny bundle....you. You were and are absolutely beautiful. I was struck by all of your dark hair. You nose was smooshed from being born, but you were as calm as calm could be. S reached out her arms and handed you to me, and I was completely a goner. My daughter was in my arms. I stood there for what seemed like seconds, but I never ever ever wanted to let go. What a beautiful and painful three days. Our hearts were pulled in every which direction, because all we wanted to do was be with you. But we had to be patient. S loved you so much. She held you and fed you and took lots of pictures of you. Her love for you was so great that she knew that a life with her would not give you all of the opportunities that you deserved. S made the greatest sacrifice ever, and to her we are beyond forever grateful for you. While we know that God made you for us, He grew you in S.

What a delightful baby you were! While we had our share of sleepless nights, you did start sleeping through the night around 3 months of age. And what an eater you were (and are!). We still shudder at the thought of taking away your bottle, as when you see it, you start laughing and bouncing. Oh, that's my girl.

You are growing up to be such a delightful little girl. Because, at almost one, you are a little girl. No longer a baby, you show your personality full force...and it's a great one! You are such a ham...and you definitely get that from your daddy. Boy, you have him wrapped around your finger. He adores everything about you. In fact, we pretty much race to your crib in the morning when we hear you talking, because your joyful face is the ONLY way to start the day. You laugh (a lot) and you love playing hide and seek and peek a boo. You have NO FEAR, and frankly, we hope you stay that way. You love diving from my arms to daddy's and back again. You fearlessly go up and down the stairs. You love standing in your rocking chair and having someone swing it all the way around. Oh, daddy can't wait to take you to Disney World...this fall! What a fun trip that will be!

You have such a tender heart. You always pat our backs when we are holding you, and you LOVE to give kisses. Now, they are completely open mouth and you do like to lick us in the process, but right now, those are the best kisses in the world. And you try to go after the dogs and do the same thing!

And what a smart girl you are! You love to read books, and we'll find you sitting in your own little chair, book open. You talk in sentences, and we can't wait until we know the words that you are saying. You say "hi" and point and wave. You say daddy and to my chagrin, call me nana...but you know exactly what you are doing, and correct it with mama while you are laughing. You say "uh-oh", "woof-woof", and we swear you say "thank you" and use it correctly! Regardless, hearing you talk is so amazing. We love to hear your voice. You love music as well. You hit piano keys individually and sing along with the music that you hear.

And you are walking! Still tentative, you'll take about 12-15 steps at a time. However, you crawl faster than I run, so that is still your preference...and we are JUST FINE with that. =)

My sweet baby girl. I adore you. I thank God for giving you to us to raise and to be your parents. I consider it the greatest privlege of my life. Next weekend, we'll eat cake and say goodbye to infancy. While that brings tears to my eyes, I am so excited to see the child that you are becoming and what the future brings for you.

I love you so very much-

Mama

tap, tap....anyone out there?

Wow. I think I completely stink at the blog. Ok, not think, know. I could give my age old excuse that life is so busy and I haven't had time (which is true) but wow. Ok, so here I am! Does anyone still come to this blog? Probably not. Miss M is turning one next week! I have so many things to say....but my first order of business is writing her a one year letter. Stay tuned.

7 month (and 1/2)

I CAN NOT believe M is 7 (1/2) months old. Time is absolutely flying! This would've been posted sooner, but we had a death in our extended family. ....

To M on her 7th month:

Oh baby girl, you are growing up so incredibly fast now. I blink and you are doing something new EVERY SINGLE DAY. Your personality is coming out full force now...and just when I thought that my heart would burst from my love for you, well, my heart just keeps getting bigger.

You are the happiest baby that I know. You are always giving smiles, grabbing our faces, talking to us, and your eyes just sparkle. The neatest thing is that your eyes light up particularly for your daddy and I. We come into the room and you grin from ear to ear. Actually, you are a complete ham. You crack up laughing all the time...and you actually get even sillier as you get tired.

You are doing lots of new things now! You have started babbling...a few days ago, in your high chair, you said "mmmmmm,mamamama,mmmmm," then "bububububu", and daddy swears you said dadadada to him, but I haven't heard it yet. =)

You sit forever, and you just started getting from a laying down to a sitting up position today. This all but did away with your naps today as daddy just heard you laughing in your room and when he came to check on you, you were sitting up in bed! Whoops!

You are army crawling all over the place and starting to take some tentative up on all fours crawling steps. You love yoga, I think, as downward facing dog and plank position are done often. You love to stand up against objects as well....

However, I think your true loves continue to be the dogs. If we ever want to hear you laugh and laugh and laugh, we just bring the dogs around. Luckily, they both tolerate you, and the black one adores you. ....

You continue to LOVE food. You've polished off a whole avocado in one sitting, and you love cheese as well. You actually like the baby food too!

You also continue to adore water. It's pretty humorous when you take your baths....now that we are used to what you do...at first, you scared the living daylights out of us! You sit up in the bath tub and then DIVE onto your belly, and swim like a fish. If we put you in the sitting position again, back down you go! We can't wait to get you into a pool again....alas, the neighborhood pool is closed for the year.

What don't you like? Well, you don't take a bink (which cracks me up), you will not let us change your diaper (and that's fun!), but that's about it.

Sept 1, 2010

We finalized. As the judge said, she is, has been, and will forever be yours.

M, you are the love of our lives. I didn't know my heart could be so full.

I will post more. However, the weather is currently GORGEOUS here and I must enjoy.

Oh wait, it's the weight.

So, yeah, it's ok to be 6 months old and be delightfully chubby. It's great to have rolly polly thighs, a dimpled bum, and multiple chins.

It's not ok for the mom.

I've got to lose this infertility, hormones, I have a new baby, I'm back at work, I'm tired weight. Argh. I joined weight watchers online tonight and am on board. I've done WW before, and it just works for me. Now I just have to stick with the program.

6 months old

Dear M-

I can't believe that you are already six months old. In some ways, it only feels like yesterday that we were leaving the hospital, with you in our arms. And now, you aren't a newborn anymore. You're a delightful, happy little girl, and every day you show us more of your wonderful personality!

You're sitting up so well now! And it happened so fast! One day, we were holding you up in the sitting position and the next day, bam! I can do this myself! You love playing with your toys while you are sitting up...and then you love flipping to your tummy and ARMY CRAWLING to try and catch the dog! He's just starting to get used to you. We think he really likes you a lot, but he's still keeping his distance.

You are sleeping all night, usually 11-12 hours. You tell us pretty clearly when you are tired...in fact, really the only time you are upset is when you are hungry or tired. When we bring you your bottle, you start giggling...you are so happy to eat! Speaking of eating, you LOVE solid foods. You've had multiple fruits and vegetables, but your current favorites are sweet potatoes and applesauce. We've had a great time making your baby food. Daddy just bought you some puffs, and you LOVE those too. I'm amazed at your fine motor control already! Today, at lunchtime, I gave you some small pieces of avocado on your tray....and you loved that too!

You are a complete social bug. Stranger anxiety has definitely not hit yet! You love to touch faces, laugh, and talk. While you initially hated the car, now you actually like it now!

You are the love of our lives. We praise God for you on a daily basis, and can't imagine life without you in it. Our hearts are more full than we could ever imagine.

What you like: baths, the swimming pool, food, sleeping, sophie the giraffe, your "pup-pup" (stuffed dog), your activity center, shaking your head "no", the dogs, and cuddling with daddy.

You don't like: getting your diaper changed, changing clothes, pacifiers, and getting your hair brushed.

Words

It's amazing to me how many people have the ability to say exactly what is on their minds, regardless of how it may impact/hurt/affect the person that they are talking to. When I was little, a phrase that my mom often said to me was "think before you speak." Now, hearing that my whole life, I think I may have taken that to the other extreme and now I think TOO much. You know, you're flabergasted, and then speak your reply in your mind for the next 2-3 days. That would be me.

Anyway, I've been reading more adoption blogs lately, and just getting a feel for other people's experiences, lives, etc. Some of the posts that have caught my eye lately are the ones where strangers or friends make comments on:
1. How bad you are for not breastfeeding...without knowing you adopted (btw, what a serious idiot Gisele Bundchen is)
2. How your child doesn't look like you
3. Asking if your child is adopted

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm PROUD that M is adopted. I love telling our adoption story. At the same time, I don't want the focus to be that she is adopted. I want the focus to be that she is our daughter.

I digress. Ok, so we were with a group of "friends" the other day, and I was talking about M's hair. M has curly hair, and I'm a straight-haired girl, so I don't have much experience with the curly...so, I'm learning as I go. So, I was talking about her hair, and one of the girls said, "Well, I have a friend that adopted a mixed baby too...."

Whoah, sister. I mean, is it just me or is the term "mixed" pretty derogatory? I'm not the PC princess by any means, but seriously? Not that we go around saying "transracial" or "rich genetic heritage" but seriously?

I wouldn't have gotten my panties completely in a wad, but this is the second time this lady has said that...the first being, "M is mixed, right?" My response was, "M's bfather is hispanic and her bmother is caucasian."

So, I still didn't respond. It's the whole think before you speak crap. I have too much of it. But, this is likely to come up again. Do I have a response or do I just smile?

Happy Wednesday

I have come to the realization that if I am going to continue reading blogs, that I should post my own!

Wednesday is a fun day for us....so my husband is staying at home with M. He LOVES it, and I LOVE seeing the relationship that the two of them are building. They are totally enamored with each other! I get to stay home on Wednesday afternoon (my half day of work) and my husband (T) works...and also on Tuesday nights. M and I ate some lunch (yup, she's eating solids, but more on that later!) and then a mid day bath (oh to be six months old!) and now she's down for her nap.

This girl can sleep!!!! She takes two solid naps a day, with her afternoon nap usually lasting 3-4 hours. Oh, and did I mention that she's been sleeping through the night since she was 3 months old? Obviously, this has nothing to do with us!!!!

Well, I think I might go take a siesta of my own......

I have a 6 month old!

I just wanted anyone out there (anyone, anyone??) to know that we've made it through half of the first year. Ok, not only have we made it, but we are LOVING being parents! I am still following all of your blogs on my blackberry, and hopefully, SOMEDAY, I will start commenting again. Contemplating blogging......we'll see. =)

The rest of that week

Ok, so let me say that from Tuesday on, my head was constantly spinning and I was also in a pretty constant state of tears. Could this really really be happening? Could we maybe be getting a baby?

We found out pretty quickly that the birth mom was living with a family who she had known for years. Without getting into all the details, she was basically out on the streets and this family took her in, was loving on her, and the mom in this family agreed to help the birth mom find a family for the baby after the birth mom decided to place the baby for adoption.

We also found out that there were several other couples that had found out about the original email and were also interested in adopting the baby. *Gulp*

So, over the course of the next several days, the mom figure in this family interviewed each of the prospective families multiple times. She talked with my husband, she talked with me. We poured out our hearts to this person that we didn't know at all and told her our life story. She heard everything and went through this process with each of the other families and then passed along the information to the birth mom. We quickly put together a sort of biography on us with lots of pictures of us, our house, our families, and of course, our dogs. This process went on from Wednesday-Friday. We were told that we would get a phone call on Friday regardless of the decision....so we went through the longest 24 hours in our lives from Thursday-Friday (ok, we've had a lot of long 24 hour periods since then, but that was the longest one up to that point!) I cried. A LOT.

So, right at 1200 on Friday, she called. She talked about how she had interviewed each of the families and had spent a lot of time in prayer with others and a lot of discussion with the birth mom. All during this time, I was just thinking...just tell us!!!!---as my heart was sinking. In my heart of hearts, I KNEW it was us, but at the same time, my heart was just sinking. Probably IF has done that to me...always preparing for the worst. Anyway, after that, she said "Congratulations mommy and daddy!" And we just sobbed. I can't even tell you the level of emotion experienced on that day. It was completely amazing.

As an aside, the older woman later told me that as soon as she heard my voice on the phone the first time, God told her that we were it. And she had a complete sense of peace. And she basically didn't hear anything else either of us said in our 2+ hour interviews, because she knew she was done. How incredibly cool is that?

Ok, enough for today. Next up, hearing the gender and meeting the birth mom for the first time.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

And...our peanut loves to eat! I'll have to post more pictures soon. I'm trying to improve my blogging..and tell this entire story! =)

November 10th, 2009

Or, otherwise entitled, the day our lives changed forever.

Ok, so to backtrack a little, I was in the midst of an IUI cycle. Injecting a little Follistim, starting to feel the hormonal overload. Like, really bad. I was an emotional wreck. I was feeling sorry for myself, crying a lot, and probably getting pretty close to needing a third party to talk to and a little celexa. I think I hit rock bottom on November the 9th. I was shopping in Target for a baby gift for a friend's upcoming shower, and just started crying. In the middle of Target. It was lovely. I think I hid out for ten minutes in the workout clothes area (interestingly enough, the emptiest area in Target) and tried to stop crying. I couldn't handle looking at baby clothes, baby gear, baby this and that. It was just too much.

I spent a lot of that day in quiet reflection. I didn't have to work, so luckily, I had the luxury of being able to do that. I had a monitoring appointment later that day, and my ovaries were responding just as slowly as usual. Even better. Even better.

Fast forward to Tuesday. November 10th. These days, I have been carrying my cell phone with me at work, even though that is something that I typically do not do. You know, phone calls from the lab, RE, etc...can not be missed! Well, at about 9:30, I got a text message from my husband. *URGENT--call me right now*. So, I'm thinking to myself, who died? How can this week get any better?

So, I called him back. He asked me to sit down. He told me he just got off the phone with his dad--and his dad just got an email from one of the pastor's of their church. The email stated that there was a young pregnant woman who was looking to place her unborn baby for adoption. Did he (my husband's dad) know of anyone who would be interested? My husband's dad is a deacon in their church, and this email went out to all of the deacons.

The world stopped.

My husband asked if we would be interested.

Without hesitation.

Yes!

And so the story began.

From a day of despair to a day of realizing that there was a plan in all of this crazy mess.

to be continued...

Introducing

Our little peanut. Our beautiful girl was born on 2.9.10 via c-section after failure to progress. She weighed 6#13oz, was 20.25 inches long, and as you can see, has a full head of black hair!

We're totally in love. The adoption process went well, though with its emotional hiccups. At this point, I'm trying to figure out what to do with this blog...obviously, I'm not at all thinking about ttc right now, so thoughts and ideas would be appreciated. I do think I want to continue blogging, if little miss M lets me! =)

A PSA to well-meaning friends and family

*Ok, we're working on getting the whole baby story out, but life has been CRAZY around here! The due date is this Thursday, no baby yet!*

And now onto the PSA:

1. Please don't tell me: " Well, now that you are adopting, you'll get pregnant in no time. I know _____ who was trying to get pregnant for years, and then they adopted, and *poof* she was pregnant just like that!"

2. Never make the comment to me, however well-meaning it may be, " Well, I hope that you can experience having one of your own someday."

My response:
1. Hey, it would be great if we got pregnant. However, we aren't even thinking about that right now, and we're beyond thrilled that we are HAVING A BABY. Oh, and we have several medical diagnoses that make it really difficult for us to get pregnant. So, thanks for discounting that and basically saying that if we stop thinking about it, we will get preggers.

2 . I am experiencing having one of my own. She is my own.

PEOPLE SOMETIMES!

why there have been no posts since Monday Nov. 9th.

Because Tuesday, November 10th, our lives changed forever.

Let's backtrack to Monday November 9th. I was in the midst of my injectible cycle, ready to try some acupuncture. Bring it on. However, my mood was getting lower and lower as the day went on. I had to shop for a baby shower gift for a friend. I cried the whole time I was in the baby store. It had been enough. I had reached a new level of sad. Life was bad.

Tuesday, Nov 10th. Unexpected text from my husband. "Call me back, NOW." That was the text. Nothing more. I called him right back, and the next thing he said has changed our lives forever.....

"I got a phone call, and there is an email that there is a young woman that is looking to place her yet to be born baby for adoption. Are we interested?"

Ummm, yeah. No second thoughts. Seriously? Seriously?!?!?!

Long story short, the whole week was a crazy series of events that ended up in the birth mom picking us. Someday, I will post the whole story, because all of it is amazing. Truly amazing. And totally all God.

So. I'm going to be a mom in about 2 weeks! She's 37 and 6 days today. We've met the birth mom. We've been scrambling to prepare for a baby for the last 2 months. It's been the shortest pregnancy ever!

I am the happiest and the most excited that I have ever been. We are full of anticipation and expectation. Life is good.

Oh, and completing a homestudy in less than one month? We are rock stars. That's all I'm going to say.

I hope to post more often now. Maybe. Obviously, the tone of this blog is different, but I hope some continue to read, because this is a beautiful story.

And we're not pregnant. I could care less. =)

And we're having a girl!!

a new direction

So, I made an appointment with an acupuncturist. I don't even know what to write. But hey, here's to something new! Unfortunately, the appointment isn't until next monday. So, we'll see.

And thanks all for the therapist suggestions. I will ask my RE. =)

And the gym did help.

Injectible cycle #3. Oh joy.

Oh day 3, here you are again. How I missed you. How I have been counting down until I can give my arm to the phlebotomist every 3 days, shoot myself up with hormones, and try to bring back a modicum of hope for a happy result.

I'm really trying to find some hope here. Anyone have any that I can borrow?

I'm just having a hard time getting going. I've already cried three times today. I cried on the way to work. I cried on the way to the doctor's office. I cried in Target as I was picking out a baby present for a shower that I get to go to tomorrow.

It's funny. (or not) I'm going through the signs of depression, and well, I'm pretty much there.

Anyone know an infertility therapist in the mid.west? If you are anywhere close, I'd be thrilled to email back and forth to figure out a location.

Ok, on a lighter note. My vacation was wonderful. If I could've stayed by the ocean for a few more weeks, I would've. Beautiful. Wonderful to see good friends and relax and just relax. And relax. I'm going to say that five more times.

Did I mention that my mother in law suggested that we adopt? Goodness, I LOVE that woman.

Ok, I'm off to try and build some endorphins at the gym.

Countdown

Until I leave for sunny beaches, unlimited drinks, and a tan for my flabby bod.

Bring it on!!!

ICLW

I very much enjoy ICLW and hope to use this week to read about other people's stories, more to take my mind off of my own.

We're on a break for a month (or so). A brief history of my dh and I:

We've been married for 5 years. We first decided to throw out the OCP's two years ago. I always knew in the back of my head that conceiving would take time. I never knew how long! After about 10 months, I had some baseline testing done through my PCP and then my OBGYN. Did unmonitored clomid for 3 months and then moved on to the RE. With the RE, we did 3 clomid IUIs and now just had our 2nd unsuccessful injectible IUI. It hurts to even write this. While I knew we would struggle, I never knew it would be this much. I also had a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy over the summer to take a look at the girl parts. Good stuff.

So here's our diagnoses:
Me: less then perfect ovulator. Stage 1 endometriosis (that's less than exciting). Extrauterine fibroids (removed and probably not an issue in the first place)
DH: Great numbers but low morphology (2%) on the strict Krueger scale.

This is our journey. We crave crying babies, dirty diapers, and sleepless nights.

beautiful day

The sun is shining where we live for the first time in well over a week. Also, the temperature has climbed well over 20 degrees. The sun and the weather, well, it gives me hope. Maybe. I can't really say at this point that hope is streaming through my veins, because I can't imagine a day where a baby will actually be in our home. Sigh.

I'm sitting in the living room with the windows open. Outside, the mommy brigade sits in their lawn chairs, watching the gaggle of children playing outdoors. Ok, so why did we move to the suburbs? Oh yeah, for the same reason that we bought the SUV. Because we thought that we would have children. I tell you what, best laid plans.......

We're taking another break this month. I'm headed to a sunnier climate...the beach...for vacation with some girlfriends in a couple of weeks...the plus side to the negative cycle is that I can drink to my hearts content at the all-inclusive resort! Woohoo!

Interesting work comment today. One of my partners (who doesn't know about my IF)..who is also ten years older than me and pregnant...said that she is saving her maternity clothes for me, because she KNOWS that I will be pregnant soon. The way she said it was actually encouraging. Am I hanging on every little positive thread that I can take? Probably so.

I just wish the thread would come together into a rope and pull me out of this IF stuff. One can dream.