11dpIUI

And though AF has not yet reared her ugly head, I feel that she soon will. We've been marveling at my lack of cramps and lack of grouchiness and well just the lack of general PMS--thinking, "This must be good news, right?" Well, today, I feel the tightening in my uterus, the familiar..."well, this will be happening soon" feeling, and you know what? Today, I think I'm ok. And I know that later tonight, I may not be. Or tomorrow.

The facts are, this is a journey. It's a journey I REALLLY REALLY want to find the finish line to, but I don't know...it may be longer than I want it to be. Sometimes, all of this just feels like a dream. Like, this really isn't happening. That I really haven't said that I'm wanting to conceive. This was all a trial run. That the moment I really really put my mind to it, I'll get pregnant.

But that's really not what it is at all. I am so not in control here. And I know that I've said it a million times before, but I'm just reminding myself. That this infertility journey is REAL. That we really are waiting to see what is going to happen next. That no matter how many times I visualize two lines in my head, that it may be awhile...it may be never...that I actually see that for myself. I cringe as I even write that. Never.

Oh, I'm not giving up. We're in this for the long haul. I'm just realizing that this infertility journey may be a little bit longer than I thought. Lack of control. It's a bitch.

9dpIUI

And I'm definitely nearing the anxiety filled part of the 2ww. Ok, not riddled with anxiety, but my body and my symptoms (or lack thereof) fill my mind most of the hours of the day.

I had a dream last night that I had a positive hpt. It was interesting though (just as all dreams are). The test was rather high tech--to the point that not only was the result digital, but it spewed out a bunch of other information as well--like a beta HCG. Nice, so now I'm getting numerical blood results through my urine. It was nice to dream of a positive though. Or perhaps, this has been filling my mind so much that it's spilled over to my dreams!

I really haven't had any symptoms....so that's not really a positive. I did have some pretty significant cramping over days 5-7, but that's abated now...at least for the most part. I'm not having normal PMS cramping yet, but again, that wouldn't be a first either. Nor am I having sore bbs. But, yet, I've NEVER BEEN PREGNANT...so what the heck do I know!

Whine alert

At my work there are three women pregnant. And a fourth who just had a baby. I've tried to convince myself that I'm ok with this--and part of me is, I'm happy for them, really!--but at the same time, it's just becoming harder and harder every day. Harder to sit and smile and laugh during multiple baby showers. Harder to see women rubbing their bellies. Harder to listen to nursery designs and decorations. You get the picture.

I. Just. Want. It. To. Be. Me.

Enough. Pity party over for the moment.

On another note, one of the women was complaining because she had a transvaginal ultrasound. She looked at me, and said, "I can't tell you how lucky you are because you haven't had to experience this."

Oh yes, sister. I have. 4 times in the last month actually. And I would submit myself to the dildo cam everyday if it meant that a baby would result.

3dpIUI

And all is well. Seriously.

I'm feeling fine. Definite continued cramping, but I'm attributing this to the HCG injection. And I'm in the midst of the worst breakout that I've had since 19. Love it.

Regardless, I'm so happy that it is the weekend. We are in the midst of thunderstorms here and to me, listening to the rain is the perfect Saturday night. Have I gotten old or what???

ok, so?

So, I'm post IUI day 1 and I'm still having EWCM. I know, TMI, but I just don't know. Did we completely miss it? Trigger shot was at 0730 on Tuesday--had a lot of cramping that night and EWCM, wednesday afternoon had the IUI--and my nurse made the comment of--well, too bad we can't use any lube with the speculum...except you certainly don't need any! Hahahaha. Anyway, I've felt super tired today (all the excitement plus the trigger, I'm assuming) but continue to have different cramping...I really don't know how to describe it, and continued mucous. Argh.

So, we're doing the natural thing and bd'ing on top of the IUI but I just don't know. Of course, I've never had a trigger shot before. Opinions?

64 million motile sperm

We like them numbers. Very much.

Has anyone ever had problems with an IUI before? Specifically, I have a retroverted uterus, so both IUI's--the nurse has had problems threading the catheter. It took quite awhile this time. Am I just THAT inhospitable?

I really hope that this worked. Of course, I really hope that every month. We all do.

The eggs are cooking

So, this cycle has REALLY flown. I can't believe that I am staring my second IUI in the face. That's right...the ovaries responded to the cocktail of dexamethasone + clomid. I had my U/S today and there are two follicles on the right--one measuring 20mm and the other almost 18. There's another on the left, but he's only 14mm, so he may not give me much hope.

So, that's good news!

And I'm in a more positive mood today. So tired of moods. Seriously, on the way to the RE today, I was telling myself that my ovaries didn't respond and that I was going to have to try and not cry this time. WHY WHY WHY do I have to be so negative! I think I may post more on this later.

IUI tomorrow. We're crossing our toes, fingers, hair , and whatever else.