I've changed

The appearance of my blog, that is. I was feeling somewhat depressed every time I opened up my blog, so I needed a change. So, the Easter theme can signify the obvious (yay, easter!), my blog title, or springtime. I'll take it all.

So, today went well! I had a different nurse doing the IUI. And unlike the first two, she had no problems whatsoever getting the catheter in. And, she had my husband shoot it in. And, well, it just felt more personal. So, I liked that. We'll see!

Sneaky ovaries!

You were hiding a 20 mm follicle in there and just didn't want me to know!

Off to the races tomorrow. I'm happy!

Tomorrow is my day 12 U/S to see if the follicles are growing. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I didn't respond to the medication this month. Why you might ask? Well, I can tell (as I'm sure you all can too) when my body is getting closer to ovulating. And, well, either my body is in a full on I'm fooling you mode, or it has just shut down. I'll try not to be too pessimistic, but it's hard not to be.

I want me back. I'm so tired of hedging my emotions on clomid, ovulation, 2 week waits, periods, pregnant friends, concerned friends, etc. I don't want to live in a bubble anymore. I want to be happy, to pursue life with the same vigor that I'm pursuing infertility treatment. I want to see yellow and red and blue and not just shades of grey. I'm worried that I'm getting depressed because of all of this. I even look at this blog and go "Blah!" This is so depressing! I want to give you all a sense of who I am, but all I feel like I'm doling out is the sad, shadow of someone who once was. And then I think, what baby would be happy with a mama who is as sad as me? Will I come out of this when/if I have a child?

I wish and want to have more strength. God, give me strength.

I hate Clomid

I have NEVER had as many side effects with it as I have this month. Night sweats? Try waking up all night long. Headaches? All day. Moodiness? Check. Rage? Check. Close to being psychotic? Check check.

Thank God I have such a good husband.

Day 5, part 2

I saw my RE at the grocery store today. The funny and weird thing is, I ran in the other direction. The really funny thing is that we were depositing our health savings account refund from last month's IUI.

Hmm.

Day 5

Just checking in. I don't really have all that much to report.

My emotions have been up and down. It's a bummer that as soon as my hormones feel like normal that I'm starting clomid again. Ok, not a bummer in the real sense, just to my psyche. I've been mentally revving myself up for this cycle, and frankly, it's hard not to imagine another failure. Again, trying not to think that way.

What I'm focusing on more than anything is getting my life back. Over the past two weeks, I've been so obsessed with the two week wait that I neglected a lot of other things in my life. Easy to do, yes? I stupidly convinced myself I shouldn't be working out in the two week wait, so my flab is becoming more flabby. Ick. I haven't taken much "me" time, God time, or reflection time. I haven't stayed in good contact with friends. The list goes on. I'm not beating myself up, but as I'm going through this, I'm realizing that it's ESSENTIAL to maintain some sense of normalcy. Especially when I'm doing only Clomid and IUI. Of course, still hoping that it won't go past that, but again, who the heck knows.

So, this afternoon, I'm going to clean our bedroom (ICK!), find a good book, and get some exercise. Have I mentioned that I don't work on Monday afternoons? How sweet is that! For that, I'm extremely grateful.

I hope that this month results in a baby. I'm going to hold that faint little glimmer. I'm going to try.

Day 1

AF found me this morning. And I found a margarita tonight.