Sunday, January 25, 2009

This is the week!

IUI this week folks! I asked dh over brunch today how he was feeling, and he said he was nervous and excited. Right now, I'm just excited. I'm not feeling any level of apprehension, just expectation. And not unrealistic, either. I honestly just feel this level of excitement building inside of me. And I think that's ok. It's ok to be positive about this, right??

On another note, WHY do estradiol pills need to be made with blue dye? I mean, I have to stick this pill inside my vagina every evening, and (I'm sorry for the tmi) I'm SICK of seeing blue dye in the morning! Why oh why couldn't the manufacturer make the pills white?

So, we go in Tuesday for the day 12 ultrasound. I'm praying for an appropriate sized follicle(s). If the eggs are appropriately baked, I'll trigger and come back the next day for insemination. Woohoo!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


I'm happy for my pregnant friends, I really am.

I'm excited for them.

I smile, I ask questions, I support them.

But at the end of the day, I go home and cry. I'm insanely jealous.

Monday, January 19, 2009

It's all about the waiting

As if trying to get pregnant the good old fashioned way isn't a lesson in patience, obviously infertility is that same lesson to the 100th degree.

Everything is a waiting game, and I really don't want to become consumed by it. But I have failed at this so far. First off, I divide my months into three. It's impossible not to do this. The first part is the menstruation part and the prior to the time when it is close to ovulation part. This is honestly the most serene part of my month. There's nothing to think about, nothing to plan, nothing to overanalyze.

The second part of the month is the time prior to ovulation during ovulation and immediately post ovulation. Am I going to ovulate? Are we having sex enough? At the right times? Can I try to make this fun when it just all seems so clinical??? And then I relax again when my temperature shoots up.

The third part is the dreaded 2 week wait. At first, all is calm. No biggy. Then comes the--are my breasts tender really? Are these cramps? Is this implantation tenderness? And then so far the inevitable...I know my period is going to start, so let's just GET THIS OVER WITH!

I don't want to be this way. Maybe getting it out in the open will help. I KNOW in my head that there is NOTHING that I can do that will change things, and in fact, my worry is not helping me. I'm praying, trying to relax, trying to realize that NONE OF THIS IS IN MY CONTROL, but yet, the cycle repeats. I'm not sure how IUI is going to play in to all of this, but hopefully, I can just


Friday, January 16, 2009

From Here to There

Well, I've really failed at this blogging thing! I'm starting to realize that I might need this as a way of getting out thoughts....and I think my husband is going to start blogging on here too! It's crazy, I think at the time that I started this blog, I was in complete denial about "infertility." I thought that we would just get pregnant....eventually...and I wouldn't have to deal with this...or write about it...again.

I was wrong.

After the last time I wrote, we did one more month of Clomid through the ObGyn. I ovulated, but no pregnancy. That was close to the time of thanksgiving, so we decided to take the holidays off. I really do think that was a good decision. It was nice to not have my hormones going all over the place for those 2 months, and just to be able to enjoy the season. After the Holidays were over, we had our first appointment with the RE. It went well. I was completely geared up to cry the entire appointment, but I didn't shed a tear. My husband would say that I just got into "shop talk" with the RE. And that would be the truth. Being a physician myself, I stuck to the clinical side of things while talking to him. Was that healthy? For the time being, yes. He was pleasant and intelligent, and I think we'll work well together. He didn't seem at all impressed with our labwork...including my husband's semen analysis. My husband had 2% morphology on his semen analysis, and I've heard conflicting statements on if this is significant or not. My husband's other numbers are "spectacular" in the words of the RE. So, we'll see. Basically, I think after the initial conversation both of us were like "so why haven't we gotten pregnant yet?" We went through our options, and his suggestion...surprise! was IUI. Our first cycle will be monitored with an U/S and an HCG trigger shot. I'll take Clomid and then vaginal estradiol. I'm assuming progesterone as well, but who knows. I forgot to ask. Then he did an U/S because I do have fibroids...and he wanted to visualize them himself and make sure that they weren't inside of my uterus and that they weren't too big. They weren't and they weren't.

So, that's where we are at. Today is D1 of my cycle. On day 12 we'll go in for the U/S.

Now, if only I can find my sanity....