Monday, January 19, 2009

It's all about the waiting

As if trying to get pregnant the good old fashioned way isn't a lesson in patience, obviously infertility is that same lesson to the 100th degree.

Everything is a waiting game, and I really don't want to become consumed by it. But I have failed at this so far. First off, I divide my months into three. It's impossible not to do this. The first part is the menstruation part and the prior to the time when it is close to ovulation part. This is honestly the most serene part of my month. There's nothing to think about, nothing to plan, nothing to overanalyze.

The second part of the month is the time prior to ovulation during ovulation and immediately post ovulation. Am I going to ovulate? Are we having sex enough? At the right times? Can I try to make this fun when it just all seems so clinical??? And then I relax again when my temperature shoots up.

The third part is the dreaded 2 week wait. At first, all is calm. No biggy. Then comes the--are my breasts tender really? Are these cramps? Is this implantation tenderness? And then so far the inevitable...I know my period is going to start, so let's just GET THIS OVER WITH!

I don't want to be this way. Maybe getting it out in the open will help. I KNOW in my head that there is NOTHING that I can do that will change things, and in fact, my worry is not helping me. I'm praying, trying to relax, trying to realize that NONE OF THIS IS IN MY CONTROL, but yet, the cycle repeats. I'm not sure how IUI is going to play in to all of this, but hopefully, I can just



April said...

arg. i totally get you. i would be so much happier if i could control some tiny portion of the process.

April said...

we have a saturn aura right now, i had a vue in the past, too.... i really like the saturns, and it's nice that i get the discount on them. i haven't looked at the outlook yet. thx.