Monday, June 8, 2009

oh wow

I can not believe that it has been three weeks since I have posted. Does it help to say that I have been on vacation for the last week--that I'm tan and at least 5 lbs heavier? (I'm going to give myself a break from the scale for a week, so hopefully the aftermath is a bit smaller)

We went on vacation with family last week-and got to spend a lot of time with my 2 year old niece. She was darling. And I felt blessed for the time. And, if anything, it renewed my faith that I do very much want to be a mother. In the midst of treatments, I sometimes get in the mind frame of thinking that maybe we should just give up and live child-free. That maybe this isn't meant to be. That me not getting pregnant means that I'm not supposed to be a mother. So, in the midst of a week of relaxation, I see chubby fingers and toes, a laugh that makes your heart melt, and little fingers that hold your face just so...and I realize that this is a portion of my life that I don't want to miss. I see my husband with her, and I can't wait for him to have children of his own. He's going to be such an amazing father.

On a different note, my lap is next friday, and I'm a little scared. There. Got it out on paper (internet). I have never had surgery before. Of any kind. And while I'm no stranger to the medical community, having something done to yourself is an entirely different thing. I feel really vulnerable. And unsure.

So, I'm back. And will be posting. I'm getting through all of the blogs that I read. You all make me cheer. Some of the recent stories are bringing tears to my eyes. Oh, why do we have to go through all of this?

5 comments:

Clare said...

Welcome back! Glad you enjoyed your vacation. And that you reaffirmed your desire to be a mother. I work with kids and so everyday I'm reminded of how much I want it - well except maybe when they're being little devils, but actually, even then :) Good luck with the surgery, fingers crossed.

Lucky Jones said...

It's totally normal to feel anxiety over your surgery. I can tell you that when I found out about my surgery, I cried and cried. Then I was ok because I knew that the steps I am taking will lead me to the ultimate outcome of becoming a mom. I feel closer to that than ever, and it's such a great feeling!!! You will be just fine :)

strongblonde said...

welcome home :) isn't it amazing what good a vacation can do for you?

...and i say that if you don't gain weight on your vacation, you must be doing something wrong :)

Jenn said...

I too was very anxious about my lap because I had not had surgery before. I had no symptoms of endo however, they did find some and it was removed. I did not have a lot of pain afterwards, I just slept a lot after the surgery and was good to go by the next morning. Mentally, it was a great feeling when it was all over because I felt like I did something good for my body. Good luck!

She was just a girl... said...

Welcome back! I was wondering what happened to you. :) Good luck with the surgery--I know you'll do great. I'll send lots and lots of good vibes your way. Update when you can? <3 <3 <3