Monday, June 8, 2009

oh wow

I can not believe that it has been three weeks since I have posted. Does it help to say that I have been on vacation for the last week--that I'm tan and at least 5 lbs heavier? (I'm going to give myself a break from the scale for a week, so hopefully the aftermath is a bit smaller)

We went on vacation with family last week-and got to spend a lot of time with my 2 year old niece. She was darling. And I felt blessed for the time. And, if anything, it renewed my faith that I do very much want to be a mother. In the midst of treatments, I sometimes get in the mind frame of thinking that maybe we should just give up and live child-free. That maybe this isn't meant to be. That me not getting pregnant means that I'm not supposed to be a mother. So, in the midst of a week of relaxation, I see chubby fingers and toes, a laugh that makes your heart melt, and little fingers that hold your face just so...and I realize that this is a portion of my life that I don't want to miss. I see my husband with her, and I can't wait for him to have children of his own. He's going to be such an amazing father.

On a different note, my lap is next friday, and I'm a little scared. There. Got it out on paper (internet). I have never had surgery before. Of any kind. And while I'm no stranger to the medical community, having something done to yourself is an entirely different thing. I feel really vulnerable. And unsure.

So, I'm back. And will be posting. I'm getting through all of the blogs that I read. You all make me cheer. Some of the recent stories are bringing tears to my eyes. Oh, why do we have to go through all of this?


Clare said...

Welcome back! Glad you enjoyed your vacation. And that you reaffirmed your desire to be a mother. I work with kids and so everyday I'm reminded of how much I want it - well except maybe when they're being little devils, but actually, even then :) Good luck with the surgery, fingers crossed.

Lucky Jones said...

It's totally normal to feel anxiety over your surgery. I can tell you that when I found out about my surgery, I cried and cried. Then I was ok because I knew that the steps I am taking will lead me to the ultimate outcome of becoming a mom. I feel closer to that than ever, and it's such a great feeling!!! You will be just fine :)

Anonymous said...

welcome home :) isn't it amazing what good a vacation can do for you?

...and i say that if you don't gain weight on your vacation, you must be doing something wrong :)

Jenn said...

I too was very anxious about my lap because I had not had surgery before. I had no symptoms of endo however, they did find some and it was removed. I did not have a lot of pain afterwards, I just slept a lot after the surgery and was good to go by the next morning. Mentally, it was a great feeling when it was all over because I felt like I did something good for my body. Good luck!

She was just a girl... said...

Welcome back! I was wondering what happened to you. :) Good luck with the surgery--I know you'll do great. I'll send lots and lots of good vibes your way. Update when you can? <3 <3 <3