I've changed

The appearance of my blog, that is. I was feeling somewhat depressed every time I opened up my blog, so I needed a change. So, the Easter theme can signify the obvious (yay, easter!), my blog title, or springtime. I'll take it all.

So, today went well! I had a different nurse doing the IUI. And unlike the first two, she had no problems whatsoever getting the catheter in. And, she had my husband shoot it in. And, well, it just felt more personal. So, I liked that. We'll see!

Sneaky ovaries!

You were hiding a 20 mm follicle in there and just didn't want me to know!

Off to the races tomorrow. I'm happy!

Tomorrow is my day 12 U/S to see if the follicles are growing. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I didn't respond to the medication this month. Why you might ask? Well, I can tell (as I'm sure you all can too) when my body is getting closer to ovulating. And, well, either my body is in a full on I'm fooling you mode, or it has just shut down. I'll try not to be too pessimistic, but it's hard not to be.

I want me back. I'm so tired of hedging my emotions on clomid, ovulation, 2 week waits, periods, pregnant friends, concerned friends, etc. I don't want to live in a bubble anymore. I want to be happy, to pursue life with the same vigor that I'm pursuing infertility treatment. I want to see yellow and red and blue and not just shades of grey. I'm worried that I'm getting depressed because of all of this. I even look at this blog and go "Blah!" This is so depressing! I want to give you all a sense of who I am, but all I feel like I'm doling out is the sad, shadow of someone who once was. And then I think, what baby would be happy with a mama who is as sad as me? Will I come out of this when/if I have a child?

I wish and want to have more strength. God, give me strength.

I hate Clomid

I have NEVER had as many side effects with it as I have this month. Night sweats? Try waking up all night long. Headaches? All day. Moodiness? Check. Rage? Check. Close to being psychotic? Check check.

Thank God I have such a good husband.

Day 5, part 2

I saw my RE at the grocery store today. The funny and weird thing is, I ran in the other direction. The really funny thing is that we were depositing our health savings account refund from last month's IUI.

Hmm.

Day 5

Just checking in. I don't really have all that much to report.

My emotions have been up and down. It's a bummer that as soon as my hormones feel like normal that I'm starting clomid again. Ok, not a bummer in the real sense, just to my psyche. I've been mentally revving myself up for this cycle, and frankly, it's hard not to imagine another failure. Again, trying not to think that way.

What I'm focusing on more than anything is getting my life back. Over the past two weeks, I've been so obsessed with the two week wait that I neglected a lot of other things in my life. Easy to do, yes? I stupidly convinced myself I shouldn't be working out in the two week wait, so my flab is becoming more flabby. Ick. I haven't taken much "me" time, God time, or reflection time. I haven't stayed in good contact with friends. The list goes on. I'm not beating myself up, but as I'm going through this, I'm realizing that it's ESSENTIAL to maintain some sense of normalcy. Especially when I'm doing only Clomid and IUI. Of course, still hoping that it won't go past that, but again, who the heck knows.

So, this afternoon, I'm going to clean our bedroom (ICK!), find a good book, and get some exercise. Have I mentioned that I don't work on Monday afternoons? How sweet is that! For that, I'm extremely grateful.

I hope that this month results in a baby. I'm going to hold that faint little glimmer. I'm going to try.

Day 1

AF found me this morning. And I found a margarita tonight.

14dpIUI

And still negative this morning. And still no AF. The only thing I can think is that I ovulated later than I thought--back to the ewcm the day after IUI. Who the heck knows. Advice appreciated. I think if AF hasn't shown up, I'll test again Friday and call the RE.

On another note, I just wanted to express my heartfelt thanks for you all in the blogosphere. I wish I knew you all in real life--I'm sending you all big hugs. Thanks so much for the support.

13dpIUI

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you have never done. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you"

This may be my new mantra.

So, AF still has not shown her face. I broke down today over lunch and bought a hpt. It was negative. I sat in a community bathroom watching my watch for three minutes and refused to look at the result until the three minutes were up. In a community bathroom. I think I've lost my mind.

So, I'm really confused as to why AF hasn't shown up yet. My luteal phase is usually 11 days, so I'm in uncharted territory. Could the increase in clomid have increased my luteal phase? Does the trigger affect it? I'm assuming I'm out for this month, but I think I'll use the other HPT with a first morning urine tomorrow if af hasn't shown up. Symptoms? My bb's are now sore, but that maybe be more from the frequency that I've checked to see if the girls are sore.

Sigh.

It doesn't help that out of the last 3 nights, I've dreamt that I was pregnant 2 nights.

11dpIUI

And though AF has not yet reared her ugly head, I feel that she soon will. We've been marveling at my lack of cramps and lack of grouchiness and well just the lack of general PMS--thinking, "This must be good news, right?" Well, today, I feel the tightening in my uterus, the familiar..."well, this will be happening soon" feeling, and you know what? Today, I think I'm ok. And I know that later tonight, I may not be. Or tomorrow.

The facts are, this is a journey. It's a journey I REALLLY REALLY want to find the finish line to, but I don't know...it may be longer than I want it to be. Sometimes, all of this just feels like a dream. Like, this really isn't happening. That I really haven't said that I'm wanting to conceive. This was all a trial run. That the moment I really really put my mind to it, I'll get pregnant.

But that's really not what it is at all. I am so not in control here. And I know that I've said it a million times before, but I'm just reminding myself. That this infertility journey is REAL. That we really are waiting to see what is going to happen next. That no matter how many times I visualize two lines in my head, that it may be awhile...it may be never...that I actually see that for myself. I cringe as I even write that. Never.

Oh, I'm not giving up. We're in this for the long haul. I'm just realizing that this infertility journey may be a little bit longer than I thought. Lack of control. It's a bitch.

9dpIUI

And I'm definitely nearing the anxiety filled part of the 2ww. Ok, not riddled with anxiety, but my body and my symptoms (or lack thereof) fill my mind most of the hours of the day.

I had a dream last night that I had a positive hpt. It was interesting though (just as all dreams are). The test was rather high tech--to the point that not only was the result digital, but it spewed out a bunch of other information as well--like a beta HCG. Nice, so now I'm getting numerical blood results through my urine. It was nice to dream of a positive though. Or perhaps, this has been filling my mind so much that it's spilled over to my dreams!

I really haven't had any symptoms....so that's not really a positive. I did have some pretty significant cramping over days 5-7, but that's abated now...at least for the most part. I'm not having normal PMS cramping yet, but again, that wouldn't be a first either. Nor am I having sore bbs. But, yet, I've NEVER BEEN PREGNANT...so what the heck do I know!

Whine alert

At my work there are three women pregnant. And a fourth who just had a baby. I've tried to convince myself that I'm ok with this--and part of me is, I'm happy for them, really!--but at the same time, it's just becoming harder and harder every day. Harder to sit and smile and laugh during multiple baby showers. Harder to see women rubbing their bellies. Harder to listen to nursery designs and decorations. You get the picture.

I. Just. Want. It. To. Be. Me.

Enough. Pity party over for the moment.

On another note, one of the women was complaining because she had a transvaginal ultrasound. She looked at me, and said, "I can't tell you how lucky you are because you haven't had to experience this."

Oh yes, sister. I have. 4 times in the last month actually. And I would submit myself to the dildo cam everyday if it meant that a baby would result.

3dpIUI

And all is well. Seriously.

I'm feeling fine. Definite continued cramping, but I'm attributing this to the HCG injection. And I'm in the midst of the worst breakout that I've had since 19. Love it.

Regardless, I'm so happy that it is the weekend. We are in the midst of thunderstorms here and to me, listening to the rain is the perfect Saturday night. Have I gotten old or what???

ok, so?

So, I'm post IUI day 1 and I'm still having EWCM. I know, TMI, but I just don't know. Did we completely miss it? Trigger shot was at 0730 on Tuesday--had a lot of cramping that night and EWCM, wednesday afternoon had the IUI--and my nurse made the comment of--well, too bad we can't use any lube with the speculum...except you certainly don't need any! Hahahaha. Anyway, I've felt super tired today (all the excitement plus the trigger, I'm assuming) but continue to have different cramping...I really don't know how to describe it, and continued mucous. Argh.

So, we're doing the natural thing and bd'ing on top of the IUI but I just don't know. Of course, I've never had a trigger shot before. Opinions?

64 million motile sperm

We like them numbers. Very much.

Has anyone ever had problems with an IUI before? Specifically, I have a retroverted uterus, so both IUI's--the nurse has had problems threading the catheter. It took quite awhile this time. Am I just THAT inhospitable?

I really hope that this worked. Of course, I really hope that every month. We all do.

The eggs are cooking

So, this cycle has REALLY flown. I can't believe that I am staring my second IUI in the face. That's right...the ovaries responded to the cocktail of dexamethasone + clomid. I had my U/S today and there are two follicles on the right--one measuring 20mm and the other almost 18. There's another on the left, but he's only 14mm, so he may not give me much hope.

So, that's good news!

And I'm in a more positive mood today. So tired of moods. Seriously, on the way to the RE today, I was telling myself that my ovaries didn't respond and that I was going to have to try and not cry this time. WHY WHY WHY do I have to be so negative! I think I may post more on this later.

IUI tomorrow. We're crossing our toes, fingers, hair , and whatever else.