Sunday, March 15, 2009


And though AF has not yet reared her ugly head, I feel that she soon will. We've been marveling at my lack of cramps and lack of grouchiness and well just the lack of general PMS--thinking, "This must be good news, right?" Well, today, I feel the tightening in my uterus, the familiar..."well, this will be happening soon" feeling, and you know what? Today, I think I'm ok. And I know that later tonight, I may not be. Or tomorrow.

The facts are, this is a journey. It's a journey I REALLLY REALLY want to find the finish line to, but I don't may be longer than I want it to be. Sometimes, all of this just feels like a dream. Like, this really isn't happening. That I really haven't said that I'm wanting to conceive. This was all a trial run. That the moment I really really put my mind to it, I'll get pregnant.

But that's really not what it is at all. I am so not in control here. And I know that I've said it a million times before, but I'm just reminding myself. That this infertility journey is REAL. That we really are waiting to see what is going to happen next. That no matter how many times I visualize two lines in my head, that it may be may be never...that I actually see that for myself. I cringe as I even write that. Never.

Oh, I'm not giving up. We're in this for the long haul. I'm just realizing that this infertility journey may be a little bit longer than I thought. Lack of control. It's a bitch.


Anonymous said...

you're exactly right! hang in there!!! xoxo

Baby? Maybe. (Or Maybe Not.) said...

You said it perfectly. Even before I miscarried Bean, I could visualize those two lines so clearly...I mean, it was picture perfect. When that test said "pregnant" and Bean was suddenly there, I thought: "I made it. I am here." But after the miscarriage, I realized the journey is so much more entailed--it's not just getting the two lines, it's keeping the two lines. But shit, at this point...if I could just GET the two lines again, I'd like to take it from there and try again...

And I don't know about you, but every. single. month., I hold hope until the last possible second--the cramps I justify as those related to pregnancy, the bloat, the fatigue--I ride the pregnancy hope every single time. Even when I think--or KNOW--I shouldn't. Human nature, maybe?

For what it's worth, I'll still keep rooting for you until you say for sure otherwise... <3