Tomorrow is my day 12 U/S to see if the follicles are growing. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I didn't respond to the medication this month. Why you might ask? Well, I can tell (as I'm sure you all can too) when my body is getting closer to ovulating. And, well, either my body is in a full on I'm fooling you mode, or it has just shut down. I'll try not to be too pessimistic, but it's hard not to be.
I want me back. I'm so tired of hedging my emotions on clomid, ovulation, 2 week waits, periods, pregnant friends, concerned friends, etc. I don't want to live in a bubble anymore. I want to be happy, to pursue life with the same vigor that I'm pursuing infertility treatment. I want to see yellow and red and blue and not just shades of grey. I'm worried that I'm getting depressed because of all of this. I even look at this blog and go "Blah!" This is so depressing! I want to give you all a sense of who I am, but all I feel like I'm doling out is the sad, shadow of someone who once was. And then I think, what baby would be happy with a mama who is as sad as me? Will I come out of this when/if I have a child?
I wish and want to have more strength. God, give me strength.
- ▼ March (16)