Sunday, March 29, 2009

Tomorrow is my day 12 U/S to see if the follicles are growing. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I didn't respond to the medication this month. Why you might ask? Well, I can tell (as I'm sure you all can too) when my body is getting closer to ovulating. And, well, either my body is in a full on I'm fooling you mode, or it has just shut down. I'll try not to be too pessimistic, but it's hard not to be.

I want me back. I'm so tired of hedging my emotions on clomid, ovulation, 2 week waits, periods, pregnant friends, concerned friends, etc. I don't want to live in a bubble anymore. I want to be happy, to pursue life with the same vigor that I'm pursuing infertility treatment. I want to see yellow and red and blue and not just shades of grey. I'm worried that I'm getting depressed because of all of this. I even look at this blog and go "Blah!" This is so depressing! I want to give you all a sense of who I am, but all I feel like I'm doling out is the sad, shadow of someone who once was. And then I think, what baby would be happy with a mama who is as sad as me? Will I come out of this when/if I have a child?

I wish and want to have more strength. God, give me strength.

3 comments:

Baby? Maybe. (Or Maybe Not.) said...

Oh, sweet girl--I so feel you on this. I could've written that second paragraph. Just today I looked in the mirror and audibly asked myself, "Where did you go?!"

I hope your body was just messing with you and you did respond this month. I'm still waiting for my period to show up here, and right now I'm more afraid than anything that I'm going to be late...but for no reason, you know? BLAH.

My last entry was about putting up a real journal here since like you I'm tired of reading my words and thinking, "God, how depressing!" I feel like this is such a shell of who I am, but yet it takes so much out of me each month--the charting, the ordering, the guess work as to whether or not we should do a round on said high day---blah, blah, blah. I miss feeling ALIVE. Right now I feel like I'm in a constant state of limbo. Limbo is LAME.

Anyway, you know I'm always in your corner. Hang in there, lovely. The sun has to shine on us eventually, right? :) <3

just me said...

good luck girl, hoping your body is just tricking you this month! fingers crossed!

strongblonde said...

oh girl. IF is so hard. i'm sorry that you have to deal with any of this. :( i'm hopeful that the US is good and maybe your body IS totally foolin you!