a new direction

So, I made an appointment with an acupuncturist. I don't even know what to write. But hey, here's to something new! Unfortunately, the appointment isn't until next monday. So, we'll see.

And thanks all for the therapist suggestions. I will ask my RE. =)

And the gym did help.

Injectible cycle #3. Oh joy.

Oh day 3, here you are again. How I missed you. How I have been counting down until I can give my arm to the phlebotomist every 3 days, shoot myself up with hormones, and try to bring back a modicum of hope for a happy result.

I'm really trying to find some hope here. Anyone have any that I can borrow?

I'm just having a hard time getting going. I've already cried three times today. I cried on the way to work. I cried on the way to the doctor's office. I cried in Target as I was picking out a baby present for a shower that I get to go to tomorrow.

It's funny. (or not) I'm going through the signs of depression, and well, I'm pretty much there.

Anyone know an infertility therapist in the mid.west? If you are anywhere close, I'd be thrilled to email back and forth to figure out a location.

Ok, on a lighter note. My vacation was wonderful. If I could've stayed by the ocean for a few more weeks, I would've. Beautiful. Wonderful to see good friends and relax and just relax. And relax. I'm going to say that five more times.

Did I mention that my mother in law suggested that we adopt? Goodness, I LOVE that woman.

Ok, I'm off to try and build some endorphins at the gym.

Countdown

Until I leave for sunny beaches, unlimited drinks, and a tan for my flabby bod.

Bring it on!!!

ICLW

I very much enjoy ICLW and hope to use this week to read about other people's stories, more to take my mind off of my own.

We're on a break for a month (or so). A brief history of my dh and I:

We've been married for 5 years. We first decided to throw out the OCP's two years ago. I always knew in the back of my head that conceiving would take time. I never knew how long! After about 10 months, I had some baseline testing done through my PCP and then my OBGYN. Did unmonitored clomid for 3 months and then moved on to the RE. With the RE, we did 3 clomid IUIs and now just had our 2nd unsuccessful injectible IUI. It hurts to even write this. While I knew we would struggle, I never knew it would be this much. I also had a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy over the summer to take a look at the girl parts. Good stuff.

So here's our diagnoses:
Me: less then perfect ovulator. Stage 1 endometriosis (that's less than exciting). Extrauterine fibroids (removed and probably not an issue in the first place)
DH: Great numbers but low morphology (2%) on the strict Krueger scale.

This is our journey. We crave crying babies, dirty diapers, and sleepless nights.

beautiful day

The sun is shining where we live for the first time in well over a week. Also, the temperature has climbed well over 20 degrees. The sun and the weather, well, it gives me hope. Maybe. I can't really say at this point that hope is streaming through my veins, because I can't imagine a day where a baby will actually be in our home. Sigh.

I'm sitting in the living room with the windows open. Outside, the mommy brigade sits in their lawn chairs, watching the gaggle of children playing outdoors. Ok, so why did we move to the suburbs? Oh yeah, for the same reason that we bought the SUV. Because we thought that we would have children. I tell you what, best laid plans.......

We're taking another break this month. I'm headed to a sunnier climate...the beach...for vacation with some girlfriends in a couple of weeks...the plus side to the negative cycle is that I can drink to my hearts content at the all-inclusive resort! Woohoo!

Interesting work comment today. One of my partners (who doesn't know about my IF)..who is also ten years older than me and pregnant...said that she is saving her maternity clothes for me, because she KNOWS that I will be pregnant soon. The way she said it was actually encouraging. Am I hanging on every little positive thread that I can take? Probably so.

I just wish the thread would come together into a rope and pull me out of this IF stuff. One can dream.

sigh

I'm so sorry I haven't posted.

My grandma died last week.

I'm not pregnant.

I'm dealing.

Would appreciate thoughts, prayers, etc.

Love to you all.

Week 2

Still here. Enjoying the last few hours of the happy first week of the two week wait. I'll try and make the second week be equally pleasant.

I just don't have anything to write! Later folks. Have an awesome Monday.

Cute husband

So, I'm laying on the couch with the laptop perched on my belly, and my husband says, "Should that laptop be directly on there? I don't want it hurting my blastocysts!"

Love that man.

3dpo. That's me. Some cramping today. Good sign? Body getting rid of the follicles? Damn it, I'm going to be positive. Too early for implantation. It's all good.

As an aside. If you need to laugh, watch Modern Family tonight. We're getting quite the kick out of it.

home

Well, I was up all night last night with a horrible headache--and ended up staying home from work today. I'm feeling much better now. Yay. =)

Question for those who have used injectibles. Ok, TMI question. Do you feel like your cervical mucus is slower to dry up because of the much higher estrogen levels in your body? Still had a little this AM. Haven't checked since, since I'm trying not to obsess. My RE wanted me to start the prometrium today...which I did...and from everything that happened yesterday, I feel pretty confident that I already ovulated. Ok, so I'm not checking temps (again, trying not to obsess), but just let me know if you have any experience with this.

Ok, so I'm obsessing a bit!

On to another topic. How about this woman in Arkansas who is pregnant with twins....or not?

Personally, I do wonder if she and her husband are doing this more for attention. I can't imagine having two babies who were conceived 2 weeks apart. From a medical standpoint--ok, so there is some discordant growth. But that's not uncommon with twins. And then she said that there was a blood test that could be done after the babies were born to prove it??? What the heck? The last I knew, there wasn't a blood test to determine gestational age.

Or, she got pregnant twice. And it sounds like she went through infertility treatment in the past, but she denies using any medications with this current pregnancy. Very interesting.

The Day

The IUI went well. The RE's office was so crowded this morning. I'm guessing they are in the middle of an IVF cycle. There was part of me that wanted to stand up in the waiting room and say "Infertiles Unite!" or something like that. No one looked very happy. Maybe I should've done a comedic routine or something?

Ok, so as you all can tell, I was feeling pretty positive.

My RE was the one to do the IUI. He said he felt really good about this cycle---and how could that not get a girl to smile? He was pleased that there were 2-3 mature follicles--enough to give us a really good chance, but not putting us at huge risk for the high order multiples.

39 million motile sperm.

I was having right sided cramps before the IUI, so I'm assuming the last big stretch of growth before release. I'm hoping the follicle(s) released this afternoon.

Crossing fingers!!!!

Hopeful

I'm feeling hopeful for this cycle. Regardless, it's nice to feel hope.

We've got some follicles in contention, folks. =) IUI is Sunday.

Here's my stats. Let me know your opinions.

Estradiol 393
Follicles R 20, 17, 16
Left--just a bunch of wimps.

Seriously, what is the deal with my left ovary?

I figure that the other two will grow a bit more and have a good chance by sunday. I do Ovidrel tonight.

Happy weekend everyone!

34

I am so incredibly sorry I have been so lax on blogging. From taking a month off, to now being back in the full swing of things....well, I have been reading your blogs, but my own has suffered.

Today is my birthday!

Yay!

Except, I'm another year older.

Boo.

I would like to say that I'm having an awesome day, but the follistim this month is taking the life out of me. Headaches, THE BLOAT, you name it, it's mine. I will be SO FREAKING ready to get this IUI done. Please??

I'm cycle day 11 today, day 8 of follistim. I'll post more about that tomorrow after my 50000000 transvaginal ultrasound. =)

But for now, happy birthday to me!

ICLW

Welcome, ICLW'ers! This is my third time doing ICLW, and it is such a fun and memorable experience. What a great way to find new blogs and friends. So, welcome!

Our story in a nutshell. DH and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years now. We tried for close to a year on our own and, well, it just wasn't happening. I had my ob order some baseline labs, did an HSG and a SA and then got the green light for clomid. We did three cycles of clomid and bd'ing to no avail. Started with the RE in January. DH has low morphology and borderline motility. Did 3 clomid IUI's and all were bfn's. Just finished a follistim IUI with another bfn. (are we sensing a trend here?) Anyway, we're taking this month off before proceeding with another IUI. That, and I'm trying to get my mojo back. IF has a way of taking it away (which we all know so well).

That's us. I'll look forward to meeting some new faces!!

Damn

Well, there is nothing like a digital pregnancy test to bring you back to reality. What did it say to me this morning? No -. The funny thing is, when I went to check it after a couple of minutes, I had it upside down, so it read "oN-." And I thought, "Oh good, it's on!"

Obviously, I've never done a digital test before.

It's funny. We were really starting to get hopeful this cycle. I was naseous (damn cold with a lot of drainage, but still), I was tired (damn prometrium and probably a little depression), I was refluxing for the first time ever (damn not eating healthy for the past 2 weeks) , and I felt bloated (damn all of the above).

Excuse my cursing, but I just have to right now.

We're ok. It's weird. I dreamt it would be negative last night, and it was this AM. Bizarre.

We're going to take a month off and resume in September. In the meantime, I'm going to get back on the treadmill, eat healthy, and lose the 15 lbs that I've gained since starting infertility treatments. This is OUT OF CONTROL.

In the meantime, DH is going to do another semen analysis--because of the round cells and the lower count in this last sample--and we'll see.

Do we even have the capability to be pregnant? I just don't know right now. Much less a baby, right?

Murmurings of family

No, that does not mean that I have a big fat positive. It's too soon for that anyway! However, I haven't been too positive on that front...but heck, more on that later. Maybe.

We went to a large family reunion this weekend. It was fascinating. Fascinating to hear stories of generations past, awesome to catch up with close family members, and so very interesting to observe the other 100 or so that you have never met before in your life...and more so, would never recognize as family in the least!

At the large dinner last night with 150 people or so, I found myself observing closely the various divisions of the family. Did all of the couples have children? Young parents or older parents? Obviously adopted children? You just find yourself wondering if the struggles that you are going through run through your family.

Here's what I learned. My great great grandfather and grandmother had 12 children. One set of twins that died in infancy. The other 10 lived to ripe old ages. My great grandfather didn't get married until he was 35 (unusual in the early 1900's, right?). He had his first child when he was 37 and my great grandmother was 35. They had three boys. One of whom was my grandfather. From my own branch, I know that no one had trouble having kids, because everyone has 3-4 and they started having them in their early/mid twenties.

Looking at the other branches of the original 10 was more interesting. There were many that were somewhat older who had children who were younger. One woman, probably in her mid fifties now, was talking to my grandma, and told the ages of her children, and told my grandma she had her first at 37 and her second at 43. She then said that it seemed to be a theme in the family to have children at "older" ages. Ok, I so wanted to ask her if she struggled with infertility. But, probably not an appropriate question to ask a woman who I had just met.

Anyway, family history is interesting, yes?

In my news, no news. My optimism isn't quite bubbling over. (Please detect the sarcasm) I am completely devoid of symptoms that would make me think pregnancy, and my mood has been nothing short of foul when it comes to the likelihood of a BFP. Yes, I need an attitude turn around. I know. I just can't seem to manage it. I'm having so much fun sticking progesterone up in my nether regions twice a day. Knocks my socks off.

Anyway, despite my bad attitude, I had a great weekend. =)

Award

Thank you so much to both Rambler at my world, my ramblings, Clio at Dancing with Gaia, and BB at Baby to Be for this lovely award. I'm honored!

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

So, I'm passing this along to:

Sarah at Babies Everywhere but None That Call Me Mama
Blahed at Within4One
Fran at Everyone else but me
Pie at Slice of Pie
Courtney at Baby Mama Drama
Lorza at Baby Making Journey
Happy High Heels
MC at Dreams Come True...sometimes

Ok, I also am going with eight, since so many of you have already been nominated for this award. Cheers to you all!!

In the wait

Well, despite all of my panicking, the IUI went off without a hitch on Sunday. I didn't ovulate before then, but I do think that I am now the queen of ewcm. Please give me my crown.

DH's numbers weren't as stellar as they have been in the past--20 million this time--but still very normal and respectable in terms of numbers. However, there were some round cells in his sample, and as he is having no signs of infection they think that they are immature sperms--which would go along with his previous low morphology. However, if this month doesn't work then I will be revisiting that.

So now it's time for the 2ww. Whatever will be will be. I'm crossing fingers, toes, and anything else on my body that can be crossed! =)

Thanks again everyone for all of your wise words. What would I do?? =)

panic attack

In the lab, waiting to be called back for my E2. Started having lots of ewcm yesterday. Now, I know it is from the rise in estrogen, but I'm still having panic attacks that I'm ovulating/have ovulated on my own. I need reassurance! And my appt is later this am. Anyone have any stories?

update

Posting via blackberry today. Thank you so much all for all of your wonderful encouragement yesterday. Still feeling funky, but being in line for Starbucks right now helps!

Just left my appt. We have progress!

Right: 16mm, 10mm, and several smaller

Left: 11mm and several smaller

Estradiol: 129

Slowly but surely! Next appt is likely friday- will know more after my RE calls.

Down Day

Yet another gal in our office is pregnant. In the past 12 months in an office of 30 people, we've had five pregnancies, one set of twins (no IF), and too many office baby showers to count. I'm tired of my happy smile and my celebratory congratulations. I'm so tired of putting on the happy face.

On the way home today, I entertained the thought of this IUI not working. I saw the next several months stretched ahead with shots, labs, ultrasounds, and BFN. All while every belly in my office but my own is growing. And then I thought, can I go through this again month after month after month? When does this end? When is the news happy?

I don't know the answer to those questions. I don't know if I'll be strong enough. I hope that I don't have to find out. But there is that reality that I might.

Today is just a down day. That's all.

Today's visit--CD 7

Estradiol- 64
Lots of follicles but none of any significant size yet.

I'm supposed to stay on the same dose of Follistim (100 units). Anybody have any experience with this? Do you typically see much growth after being on meds for 3-4 days?

All in all, I'm pretty satisfied. It's Sunday, I didn't have to miss any work for the appointment, and I had a very yummy brunch of pumpkin pancakes. Next appointment is Wednesday.

I hope this isn't telling the future.

Why is it that everything in the world right now can be traced back to infertility! It's a freaking license plate!!!!! But of course, as I was walking through a parking lot, it caught my eye. So I took a picture with my cell phone. Lovely, eh?

The shots are going well. 2 nights down. No biggie. I'm feeling nothing...both from the shots themselves and in terms of effects. Next appt is Sunday AM!

today

I'm posting from my cell phone! (And feeling very much the techie). Waiting for the dh to get off work, I decided to hang out at Starbucks for a bit with an iced coffee.

Well, everything went well today. Lot's of potential little follicles on the U/S and having the u/s while af was around wasn't the WORST thing in the world.

Estradiol--32
FSH--5
Starting follistem dose 100 units.

Now I just have to dial up the dose and shoot myself up! Hopefully, I don't mess it up too badly. :)

But first, dh and I are going to see Harry Potter tonight.

Happy ICLW!

Welcome ICLW'ers! This is the third time that I have participated in ICLW, and it is such a rewarding experience. What a great opportunity to find and read new blogs!

Just a quick background on my experience thus far. I'm 33, and my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 2 years now. We've gone through rounds of clomid alone, clomid with IUI and are getting ready to embark on IUI with injectible medications. (Follistim) In the meantime, I've had an HSG, a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy, and too many ultrasounds to count. In terms of a diagnosis, my husband has decreased morphology (but great numbers otherwise), and I don't ovulate regularly, have a few fibroids (no longer) and mild endometriosis.

We are really hoping that this next cycle works.

And it starts tomorrow! I will be getting my baseline U/S, FSH, and estradiol. I'll update more tomorrow!

I'm back

And it's cycle day one. Seriously, I felt no false pretenses about last month, and really knew that I would be here again in my little IF campground. Ok, so I didn't leave, but I zipped up my tent for a couple of weeks and hoped just a little that I could say, "HA HA infertility! Take that! I ovulated on my own, got pregnant, without the help of drugs and a sub specialist! I am woman, hear me roar!"

Yeah, right.

So I have my first appointment on Wednesday. U/S, labs and the dose of Follistim. Bring it on IF. My tent is open, I'm making s'mores, and I'm ready.

Today's visit

Well, I'm on the road. I had my injection education class today, got the medications ordered, and have 600 units of follistim in my refrigerator gratis. Yay, something for free!

So, I cleared off a shelf in the frig, and that shelf will consist of follistim, HCG, and eggs. That's right, I'm keeping the eggs on the fertility shelf. I can't help myself.

In other crazy news, otherwise known as tmi news, I have EWCM today. So, for the heck of it, I took an OPK and it is positive...two weeks after my surgery and on day 24 of my cycle. So, for the heck of it, dh and I are going to have some fun over the next few days. So, at least I know it will be probably 2 more weeks before I start stimming.....and yes, it's very hard for infertile me to say that I could get pregnant on my own, but we'll see. I'm not exactly holding my breath. =)

I'm getting my meds from IVPcare and signed up for design Rx. My total for 600 units of follistim, HCG shot, and progesterone suppositories is 705.95. How does that sound to everyone?

Just checking in

And not too much to report. We had a good holiday weekend--I had some stuff to do for work, but otherwise, we've been free. And it's been so nice! Although, I did have all of these plans to go to various local festivals, farmer's market, etc, but we really didn't make it to any of it. Oh well. Next weekend?

I have my injection education class tomorrow. I've done some research on prices and have found some differences between a few different pharmacies (thanks to all of you for your help!!). So, I thought that I would bring that tomorrow..and I've found differences between area labs and what it costs for an estradiol and FSH level...so as long as the turn around time is quick for the cheaper one, I think I might bring that to their attention too. Now, I'm still looking for that free Follistim coupon in my Sunday paper......

Tonight's Dinner

Ginger-Lime Beef Stir-Fry
(courtesy Cooking Light)

1 Tbsp sugar
1 Tbsp grated, peeled fresh ginger
2 Tbsp fresh lime juice
1 1/2 tsp low-sodium soy sauce
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
1 Tbsp canola oil
12 oz boneless sirloin steak, cut into thin strips
1/4 cup diagonally cut green onions
4 lime wedges

1. Combine first 5 ingredients in a small bowl; stir well with a whisk.
2. heat canola oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium high heat. Add steak; cook 4 minutes or until browned, stirring frequently. Remove from heat; drizzle evenly with ginger-lime mixture. Garnish with onions and lime wedges, if desired. Serve over cellophane noodles.

3 servings
calories: 197
Fat: 9 grams
Fiber: 0.1 grams

This had a great flavor to it, and a good amount of heat as well! I was new to the cellophane noodles--very odd in appearance until you add the sauce--and then, not unlike tofu, they seemed to take on the flavor and color of the rest of the dish.

Next time, I'll take a picture!

Followup visit

I just got home from my post-op visit. It went well. My incisions are healing well (knew that), I can return to normal activity (does that mean I have to go to the gym?), and he was pleased with the surgery. I have the pictures, but I'm not going to post them. However, I am going to post them on my refrigerator to keep me from eating!--little globules of fat tissue might keep me from eating for awhile!! =)

Anyway, the fibroids were actually good sized---all close to the size of tennis balls. He showed me the endometriosis and the cyst that he removed as well. My RE thinks that we have a pretty good chance with IUI and injectibles--even higher than what he would usually quote, because I have such a glowingly clean reproductive tract now. Woohoo!

I will go in for shot training the beginning of next week and then on to the next phase of this adventure. You know what? I'm excited.

Happy Sunday

It's the weekend, the temperature outside is at least ten degrees cooler, and my husband made pancakes for breakfast.

Seriously, does life get any better?

I just wanted to thank you all for your thoughtful comments, encouragement, and support over the past week. I continue to be completely floored by this awesome community. I look forward to following everyone's stories, and hope that we all get our wishes soon.

Now me and my full belly are off to a nap.

First day back

Today was a rough day.

First day back to work. Surrounded by children and pregnant women. One of my partners comes up to me and says "Well, I'm going to be taking a couple of months off in January!" I completely did not get what she was saying. Total blonde moment. I told her, "What do you mean?" She said, "You know, I'm going to be taking a couple of months off work in January." I said, "I don't get it." She said, "I'm pregnant!" Oh, congratulations. I'm happy for you. I'm trying to be happy for you. Ok, I'm not really happy for you. And I feel bad that I'm not happy for you.

I cried with a coworker who is going through IF and who understands.

I had a client ask about my surgery and pointedly ask why I had it done. I told the truth. And then I cried some more. And she was not embarrassed. And she was very understanding. But still.

I've never lost it at work before. Twice in one day. Not a good first day back. Not at all.

And back to the real world

Well, I'm back to work tomorrow. I'm kicking myself that I just didn't take the whole week off to recover! However, I did a tester day today and spent the day out shopping and survived. In the 100 degree heat.

I can't believe that I just compared shopping to work. Oh my.

So, I'm a little tired, but I'm doing pretty well overall. Sore belly button, but the bloat is just about gone. I'm wishing my post-op appointment was this week!

Ok, I'm going to take advantage of the fact that it is ICLW and ask a question to all of you wonderful women. We're looking at IUI + injectables next. Now, my clinic gives a particular pharmacy to go get the medications, but for those of you who have done them, do you shop around for price? Have any of you found any particularly different prices looking at different pharmacies? You know, since this is all out of pocket, I'm making sure I'm maximizing my dime.

Now, if only I opened up the Sunday paper and there were coupons for infertility. A girl can dream.

ICLW

Whew! I barely made it in under the deadline this month! Since I am recovering from surgery, I figured that this would be a great week to participate in ICLW. Yay!

Our IF journey is approaching 2 years in August. We have gone through 3 cycles of Clomid, 3 Clomid IUI's, a couple of cancelled IUI's, and most recently, a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. On the laparoscopy, 3 fibroids were removed and some mild endometriosis was removed as well. There was also a large cyst on my ovary that was removed. Roto-rooter of the reproductive organs, I say!!

Anyway, we are hoping that in some way, the surgery helped. We will have a followup visit with the RE in about a week to talk about the surgery and the next step. We're planning on doing IUI with injectibles, but will likely move on to IVF rather quickly as we're paying for all of this out of pocket.

So, that's the egg in a (nut)shell!

I made it

Well, I figured I'm now with it enough to post--but please ignore me if I don't make any sense.

The surgery went well. It lasted about 2 hours, and he removed 3 fibroids. I did have some mild endometriosis as well, and he removed it all. I feel really happy about the results.

Recovery so far has been fine. I was in a lot of pain in recovery and spent enough time there that my husband got a little worried. We were finally in the car to go home 3 hours later, and now I actually don't feel that bad. I'm in bed catching up on the DVR--Law and Order SVU and multiple things on the Food Network, and dozing in and out of sleep. I'm keeping down fluids, and have actually eaten too! My darling husband bought me those animal cookies that are covered with frosting and sprinkes (something I would never buy for myself, but will when we have kids, you betcha I will!) and they actually taste good. Hopefully I won't be vomiting all night because of that. Oh well.

So thank you thank you thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, and listening. You all are definitely an anchor for me.

Will post more soon.

T minus 3 days

Ok, so I'm starting to get a little anxious about Friday. I'm measuring my level of anxiety by the number of M&M's I have eaten...see, unfortunately, we have the world's largest bag of M&M's in the pantry, because I bought the aforementioned world's biggest bag at the wholesale club to make the world's largest batch of monster cookies. But I have many many M&M's left. And I think I ate at least 10 servings tonight. Has anyone ever mixed popcorn and M&M's together? Very very good. But I digress....

I called the RE's office today because I hadn't heard a definitive time from the surgery center. Nine AM. His first surgery. THANK GOODNESS. I was really crossing my fingers that I would be in the morning, so I wouldn't have to wait and wait and wait. Bring on the anxiolytics!!!!!!

I'm so ready to put this behind us. Move on and get closer to that baby. That's my motto.

My husband

Today, my husband comes home from work and starts talking about how a co-worker keeps talking about his newly pregnant wife. Supposedly, all the man can do is complain to my husband about how much she gets up to pee at night, and how they got pregnant while on birth control, and on and on. And this man knows how we've been struggling in that department.

Then, my husband went on to say, "Honey, I'll love it when you wake me up at night because you have to pee so much. "

I love that man. Love him.

oh wow

I can not believe that it has been three weeks since I have posted. Does it help to say that I have been on vacation for the last week--that I'm tan and at least 5 lbs heavier? (I'm going to give myself a break from the scale for a week, so hopefully the aftermath is a bit smaller)

We went on vacation with family last week-and got to spend a lot of time with my 2 year old niece. She was darling. And I felt blessed for the time. And, if anything, it renewed my faith that I do very much want to be a mother. In the midst of treatments, I sometimes get in the mind frame of thinking that maybe we should just give up and live child-free. That maybe this isn't meant to be. That me not getting pregnant means that I'm not supposed to be a mother. So, in the midst of a week of relaxation, I see chubby fingers and toes, a laugh that makes your heart melt, and little fingers that hold your face just so...and I realize that this is a portion of my life that I don't want to miss. I see my husband with her, and I can't wait for him to have children of his own. He's going to be such an amazing father.

On a different note, my lap is next friday, and I'm a little scared. There. Got it out on paper (internet). I have never had surgery before. Of any kind. And while I'm no stranger to the medical community, having something done to yourself is an entirely different thing. I feel really vulnerable. And unsure.

So, I'm back. And will be posting. I'm getting through all of the blogs that I read. You all make me cheer. Some of the recent stories are bringing tears to my eyes. Oh, why do we have to go through all of this?

The visit

I think that overall the appointment went well. I really like our RE. He's smart, seems kindhearted, and I like hearing him say that he's going to get us pregnant. Now I just need to believe it.

We went through possible plans. He would like to do a laparoscopy (which I have mentioned before) and the reason for that is two-fold. First, I have a couple of fibroids, both medium-sized. They are outside my uterus, but who the heck knows if they are contributing to all of this. Secondly, he would like to see if I have any endometriosis. Fair enough.

So, I did find out that insurance will cover the lap because of my fibroids. Hidden blessing there! Now, I just need to swing some work stuff around so I can take a few days off. Hopefully, I will be able to work that out tomorrow. Work is making me want to scream lately. But that's a whole other topic.

If insurance wouldn't have covered the lap, we would've gone right to IVF. However, if I get a clean uterus/tubes/etc, then we may try 1-2 rounds of IUI with injectibles. I told the RE point blank that we weren't going to do 3-4 IUI's with injectibles because of the cost. I really don't know how we are going to swing all of this, but we'll just start saving like crazy.

After our vacation in two weeks. Yay!!!!!

Not a lot to report

But just wanted to say that I'm still here. I'm reading blogs, rallying behind you all, and gearing up for my doctor's appointment this Friday. I may not update until after the appointment. We'll see.


On the great comment of the day:

From a co-worker to me and another co-worker (who is pregnant): "Happy Mother's Day!"

Then....

"Oh, I'm sorry, you're not a mother, so never mind" (to me).

Me: "No I'm not."

Did everyone else survive yesterday?

Hello. My eggs are still scrambled. Not pregnant. Didn't think that I was, so really, that wasn't even in my thought processes. More just making sure that if I did miscarry, that my HCG was zero, zilch, nada. And it was.

I have a meeting with the RE in a couple of weeks to discuss the next step. Injectibles? IVF? Surgery? Stay tuned! =)

As if things couldn't get any weirder

I've had a bad day today.

I had my U/S appointment today. Instead of the nurse who usually does my U/S, my great RE came in...saying basically that here I was at IUI #4 and if it didn't take this time, that we would need to start talking options. This I was expecting. So, he quickly ran through surgery, injectibles, and IVF and said that we would talk more if it came to that.

Then the ultrasound. First my endometrium. "Hmm, this is interesting," says my RE. (Just what you want to hear. Then the right ovary. No activity. Then the left ovary. Giant 3cm cyst. Then he says--well your endometrium is unusually thick (I think he said around 25mm)..was your last period unusual? Me-well, long luteal phase, not very long period, etc, etc. He-well, this may indicate a pregnancy, but at this point, hard to tell. (To me--non viable pregnancy)

So, we're running labs. E2, progesterone, and HCG.

And I don't get the results until tomorrow.

So, I left their office and luckily, had things to do for work that didn't involve going into the office. More about that later.

I feel numb right now. Absolutely numb.

Yeah, so obviously no IUI tomorrow.

Dinner tonight

There's something cathartic about cooking a good meal. It's even better when it's good.....wait for it....and healthy. I'm a subscriber to Cooking Light magazine. And while its food isn't the lightest there is, it's good food. And healthy. We made the below stir-fry for dinner tonight. I wish I could serve up a plateful to everybody, because it was just that good. If you like Chinese food, please make this. You won't be sorry.

And as an aside (can you tell I'm trying to put IF on the back burner this month?), I told my husband, "Wow, I haven't had many side effects from the Clomid this month!" His response? Eye rolling. Ok, maybe I don't notice the side effects anymore, because I've been taking it for 4 cycles now, and perhaps I should just label myself Permanent Bitch. Oh boy.

U/S on Wednesday morning. If all looks good, IUI on Thursday afternoon.

Chicken, Cashew, and Red Pepper Stir Fry

3 3/4 tsp cornstarch
2 Tbsp low sodium soy sauce
2 tsp dry sherry
1 tsp rice wine vinegar
3/4 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp tabasco
1 lb chicken breast, cut into thin strips
1/2 cup (or more if you love cashews like I do) cashews
2 Tbsp canola oil
2 cups julienne cut red bell pepper (one large)
1 tsp minced garlic
1/2 tsp minced peeled fresh ginger
3 Tbsp thinly sliced green onions

Combine 1 tsp cornstarch, 1 Tbsp soy sauce, and the next 4 ingredients (through hot pepper sauce) in a small bowl; stir with a whisk.

Comine remaining 2 3/4 tsp cornstarch, remaining 1 Tbsp soy sauce and chicken in a medium bowl; toss well to coat.

Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add cashews to pan; cook 3 minutes or until lightly toasted, stirring frequently. Remove from pan.

Add oil to pan, swirling to coat. Ad chicken mixture to pan; saute 2 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove chicken from pan; place in a bowl. Add bell pepper to pan; saute 2 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add garlic and ginger; cook 30 seconds. Add chicken and cornstarch mixture to pan; cook 1 minute or until sauce is slightly thick. Sprinkle with cashews and green onions. Yield: 4 servings (one cup/serving).

KCal: 325
Fat: 16 grams
Protein: 30 grams
Carb 13.5 grams
Fiber 2 grams

Serve with Rice--after preparing rice, add 2 Tbsp chopped water chestnuts, 1/2 tsp crushed red pepper, 1/4 tsp salt, and 1/4 tsp pepper. Top with the stir fry and enjoy!!!

Sunday ABC's

A: Apples. As in an apple a day keeps the doctor away. I've sworn off apples in hopes that I can have many prenatal appointments in the near future. =)

B: Baking. I'm quite good at it.

C: Calendar. I'm trying not to be obsessed with it. As in Cycle day ???

D: Disney! I'm going in 5 weeks!

E: Eggs. They are the one food I don't like. Go figure.

F: Family. So thankful for them. I wouldn't be making it through this chapter of my life without them.

G: God. Same as F.

H: Husband. My rock.

I: Ice Cream! My weakness. Especially Snickerdoodle icecream.

J: Journey. While this one has been amazing, I would like for it to end. =)

K: Kart, as in Mario Kart. I'm addicted. I'm ashamed to admit it.

L: Life. Very thankful for it.

M: Music. I'm currently listening to U2's new cd. I don't have an opinion on it yet

N: Nap. Took one today. It was glorious.

O: Over it. So over IUI's.

P: Piano. I took lessons for many many years.

Q: Queen for a day?

R: Reecheep. The mouse from the chronicles of Narnia. We're watching it right now.

S: Sleepy. Even with the nap.

T: Takeout. That was our dinner tonight.

U: Underwhelmed. That's how I feel about this cycle.

V: Very underwhelmed

W: Wii. I'm digging it.

X: Marks the spot?

Y: Like others, I ask myself that often.

Z: Zoo. Life in reality.

Totally digging the hugs

Happy ICLW! This is my first time foraging into this, and already, I have to say that I love it. How amazing that the world is just becoming a little bit smaller through blogging. What a treat to find and read new blogs too! My heart resonates with each new blog that I read, and I wish that I could take more time just to read and soak you all in. Amazing people you all are.

We are having a wonderful evening. My husband grilled chicken and I made roasted vegetables (asparagus, red pepper, sweet potatoes, squash and onions) and also stuffed mushrooms!! Oh, and a glass of wine. The weather here is GORGEOUS and it just makes me thankful for the newness of spring.

Hopefully spring will bring new life to all of you!!! =)

Round 4--could this please be the knockout round? Please?

Clomid and I are becoming friends again this week. I'm pretty sure this will be the last time, so I'm really hoping that she delivers. She (Clomid) is otherwise affectionately known as "Clo" around these parts. As in, "Oh Clo, you're making me crazy again. Oh Clo, you're giving me hot flashes. Oh Clo, can I blame my weight gain on you?" Anybody? Anybody?

Of course, who am I to know if it is the last time? In my initial consult with the RE, he said we would do clomid IUI's 3-4 times before moving on. I don't really WANT to move on (from the financial standpoint) but if that is what is needed, that is what is needed.

Question. How many of you have had a laparoscopy looking for endo? I really have never had any concerns or thoughts that I had endometriosis, but from reading on the blog world, it seems like there are many women who have it at the time of surgery and never had any symptoms. I mention this because (in the beginning) my RE had mentioned the possibility of a lap prior to starting IUI with injectibles. And for those of you who have absolutely shitty or non-existent insurance coverage for infertility (me! me!) if you had a lap, was it covered? The thought of paying thousands of dollars for surgery and then turning around and doing more infertility treatments is making my brain spin.

back in the saddle

I'm sorry that it's been a few days. I did basically up and disappear. But it was from the blog world only. This has been a busy weekend!

I did get AF. It's ok. I think. There is a reason for everything, right? It's funny, I started this month thinking that this cycle wouldn't work, but then I just got so EXCITED. I let the baby fever envelope me again, and you know what? I think that's ok. Because with every let-down, there is a reason. There's a let down because I was up on a higher perch for a few days. And that's healthy. I can't stay depressed. And today, I'm climbing up out of my hole. At least a few steps out.

I'll write more later. Must get my 90210 fix.

Tested this AM. It was negative. I'm reeling.

Where's the hope in all of this?

update

It's 14dpIUI and no AF yet. If I follow last month's pattern, she should show her face tomorrow. As for sx? BB's sore to the touch, no real cramping, constipated, moody as all get out. Positive signs? Maybe. Only time will tell. I'm so beyond analyzing symptoms or lack thereof.

Have I mentioned that tomorrow is my husband's birthday? I hope first off for a BFP but secondly, I hope for no AF tomorrow (because of pregnancy!!) So, what an awesome birthday present that would be. I can't get myself to buy a test though. Argh.

Sorry to be MIA. =( I've been thinking about you all a lot! Just wanted to try and not get caught up in things too much. Yeah, and how did that work out? It didn't!!!

So, it's 6dpIUI and I'm having little cramps. If this hadn't happened last month too, I'd be excited for implantation. But this happened last month too, and it's taking everything in me not to think that this cycle is a bust. Everything in me. Because. I'm. Trying. To. Be. Positive.

On a better note, I'm taking one step at a time to climb out of my unhealthy funk. I'm embarrassed when I think about how sedentary I have been over the past few weeks. The excuse of, "don't want to exercise during the 2ww because I may jostle out the baby" ain't going to fly anymore. Because it's not going to help any potential baby if I'm not healthy. So, my gym and I got reacquainted tonight. Low impact people. Low impact. You know, might jostle the baby. =)

On another exercise note, do any of you have a wii? I have the fit and just bought the game "My fitness coach" this weekend. It's great! Before you even start working out, it puts you through a series of tests--similar to a personal trainer and then helps you set up fitness goals. It sets up a goal calendar and revisits your goals and such every 10 workouts. Hey, anything to motivate.

Me and my crampy self are going to sleep.

Lazy Sunday

I have had a fantastic weekend! DH took me out for a fabulous dinner for our anniversary and we had a wonderful meal. Good company too. =)

We've just relaxed this weekend and done a number of fun little things. We went to our area zoo and took in a local restaurant that we've been wanting to try for awhile. Today, we relaxed and he made waffles!

Ok, are you seeing the theme here? Food!

I got on the scale yesterday, and I've gained 7 lbs since starting IUI in January. Ikes. So, in the midst of the yummy eating this weekend, I did some LOW IMPACT exercising. I am not using the 2ww excuse not to exercise anymore. So, tomorrow, me and weight watchers might become good friends again. =) Oh well, at least it's 7 lbs and not 20.

5 years ago today

I married the man of my dreams. Happy anniversary baby!

And on that note, we are having a weekend of fun. Lots of good food, adventures, and taking pictures with our new canon digital rebel. Woohoo!

Award!

Yay! I have been given an award from Can you Imagine, a sister in infertility and a blog I just love. This award goes to blogs that show great attitude.

So here's the scoop:

1. Put the Lemonade Award logo on your blog or post
2. Nominate blogs that show great attitude or gratitude
3. Link to your nominees within your post
4. Let the nominees know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5. Share the love and link to the person from whom you received your award

Here's who I'm passing along the award to:

Dreams Come True....Sometimes
Courtney
Baby? Maybe..Or Maybe Not
Erica
Strong Blonde

I think all of you ladies are incredible. You've been such an inspiration to me in so many different ways. I'm so thankful for the outlet of blogging...who thought that I would stumble onto such an incredible ring of support! I hope that eventually every IF blogger has this award listed on their blogs...because everyone deserves it.

I've changed

The appearance of my blog, that is. I was feeling somewhat depressed every time I opened up my blog, so I needed a change. So, the Easter theme can signify the obvious (yay, easter!), my blog title, or springtime. I'll take it all.

So, today went well! I had a different nurse doing the IUI. And unlike the first two, she had no problems whatsoever getting the catheter in. And, she had my husband shoot it in. And, well, it just felt more personal. So, I liked that. We'll see!

Sneaky ovaries!

You were hiding a 20 mm follicle in there and just didn't want me to know!

Off to the races tomorrow. I'm happy!

Tomorrow is my day 12 U/S to see if the follicles are growing. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I didn't respond to the medication this month. Why you might ask? Well, I can tell (as I'm sure you all can too) when my body is getting closer to ovulating. And, well, either my body is in a full on I'm fooling you mode, or it has just shut down. I'll try not to be too pessimistic, but it's hard not to be.

I want me back. I'm so tired of hedging my emotions on clomid, ovulation, 2 week waits, periods, pregnant friends, concerned friends, etc. I don't want to live in a bubble anymore. I want to be happy, to pursue life with the same vigor that I'm pursuing infertility treatment. I want to see yellow and red and blue and not just shades of grey. I'm worried that I'm getting depressed because of all of this. I even look at this blog and go "Blah!" This is so depressing! I want to give you all a sense of who I am, but all I feel like I'm doling out is the sad, shadow of someone who once was. And then I think, what baby would be happy with a mama who is as sad as me? Will I come out of this when/if I have a child?

I wish and want to have more strength. God, give me strength.

I hate Clomid

I have NEVER had as many side effects with it as I have this month. Night sweats? Try waking up all night long. Headaches? All day. Moodiness? Check. Rage? Check. Close to being psychotic? Check check.

Thank God I have such a good husband.

Day 5, part 2

I saw my RE at the grocery store today. The funny and weird thing is, I ran in the other direction. The really funny thing is that we were depositing our health savings account refund from last month's IUI.

Hmm.

Day 5

Just checking in. I don't really have all that much to report.

My emotions have been up and down. It's a bummer that as soon as my hormones feel like normal that I'm starting clomid again. Ok, not a bummer in the real sense, just to my psyche. I've been mentally revving myself up for this cycle, and frankly, it's hard not to imagine another failure. Again, trying not to think that way.

What I'm focusing on more than anything is getting my life back. Over the past two weeks, I've been so obsessed with the two week wait that I neglected a lot of other things in my life. Easy to do, yes? I stupidly convinced myself I shouldn't be working out in the two week wait, so my flab is becoming more flabby. Ick. I haven't taken much "me" time, God time, or reflection time. I haven't stayed in good contact with friends. The list goes on. I'm not beating myself up, but as I'm going through this, I'm realizing that it's ESSENTIAL to maintain some sense of normalcy. Especially when I'm doing only Clomid and IUI. Of course, still hoping that it won't go past that, but again, who the heck knows.

So, this afternoon, I'm going to clean our bedroom (ICK!), find a good book, and get some exercise. Have I mentioned that I don't work on Monday afternoons? How sweet is that! For that, I'm extremely grateful.

I hope that this month results in a baby. I'm going to hold that faint little glimmer. I'm going to try.

Day 1

AF found me this morning. And I found a margarita tonight.

14dpIUI

And still negative this morning. And still no AF. The only thing I can think is that I ovulated later than I thought--back to the ewcm the day after IUI. Who the heck knows. Advice appreciated. I think if AF hasn't shown up, I'll test again Friday and call the RE.

On another note, I just wanted to express my heartfelt thanks for you all in the blogosphere. I wish I knew you all in real life--I'm sending you all big hugs. Thanks so much for the support.

13dpIUI

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you have never done. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you"

This may be my new mantra.

So, AF still has not shown her face. I broke down today over lunch and bought a hpt. It was negative. I sat in a community bathroom watching my watch for three minutes and refused to look at the result until the three minutes were up. In a community bathroom. I think I've lost my mind.

So, I'm really confused as to why AF hasn't shown up yet. My luteal phase is usually 11 days, so I'm in uncharted territory. Could the increase in clomid have increased my luteal phase? Does the trigger affect it? I'm assuming I'm out for this month, but I think I'll use the other HPT with a first morning urine tomorrow if af hasn't shown up. Symptoms? My bb's are now sore, but that maybe be more from the frequency that I've checked to see if the girls are sore.

Sigh.

It doesn't help that out of the last 3 nights, I've dreamt that I was pregnant 2 nights.

11dpIUI

And though AF has not yet reared her ugly head, I feel that she soon will. We've been marveling at my lack of cramps and lack of grouchiness and well just the lack of general PMS--thinking, "This must be good news, right?" Well, today, I feel the tightening in my uterus, the familiar..."well, this will be happening soon" feeling, and you know what? Today, I think I'm ok. And I know that later tonight, I may not be. Or tomorrow.

The facts are, this is a journey. It's a journey I REALLLY REALLY want to find the finish line to, but I don't know...it may be longer than I want it to be. Sometimes, all of this just feels like a dream. Like, this really isn't happening. That I really haven't said that I'm wanting to conceive. This was all a trial run. That the moment I really really put my mind to it, I'll get pregnant.

But that's really not what it is at all. I am so not in control here. And I know that I've said it a million times before, but I'm just reminding myself. That this infertility journey is REAL. That we really are waiting to see what is going to happen next. That no matter how many times I visualize two lines in my head, that it may be awhile...it may be never...that I actually see that for myself. I cringe as I even write that. Never.

Oh, I'm not giving up. We're in this for the long haul. I'm just realizing that this infertility journey may be a little bit longer than I thought. Lack of control. It's a bitch.

9dpIUI

And I'm definitely nearing the anxiety filled part of the 2ww. Ok, not riddled with anxiety, but my body and my symptoms (or lack thereof) fill my mind most of the hours of the day.

I had a dream last night that I had a positive hpt. It was interesting though (just as all dreams are). The test was rather high tech--to the point that not only was the result digital, but it spewed out a bunch of other information as well--like a beta HCG. Nice, so now I'm getting numerical blood results through my urine. It was nice to dream of a positive though. Or perhaps, this has been filling my mind so much that it's spilled over to my dreams!

I really haven't had any symptoms....so that's not really a positive. I did have some pretty significant cramping over days 5-7, but that's abated now...at least for the most part. I'm not having normal PMS cramping yet, but again, that wouldn't be a first either. Nor am I having sore bbs. But, yet, I've NEVER BEEN PREGNANT...so what the heck do I know!

Whine alert

At my work there are three women pregnant. And a fourth who just had a baby. I've tried to convince myself that I'm ok with this--and part of me is, I'm happy for them, really!--but at the same time, it's just becoming harder and harder every day. Harder to sit and smile and laugh during multiple baby showers. Harder to see women rubbing their bellies. Harder to listen to nursery designs and decorations. You get the picture.

I. Just. Want. It. To. Be. Me.

Enough. Pity party over for the moment.

On another note, one of the women was complaining because she had a transvaginal ultrasound. She looked at me, and said, "I can't tell you how lucky you are because you haven't had to experience this."

Oh yes, sister. I have. 4 times in the last month actually. And I would submit myself to the dildo cam everyday if it meant that a baby would result.

3dpIUI

And all is well. Seriously.

I'm feeling fine. Definite continued cramping, but I'm attributing this to the HCG injection. And I'm in the midst of the worst breakout that I've had since 19. Love it.

Regardless, I'm so happy that it is the weekend. We are in the midst of thunderstorms here and to me, listening to the rain is the perfect Saturday night. Have I gotten old or what???

ok, so?

So, I'm post IUI day 1 and I'm still having EWCM. I know, TMI, but I just don't know. Did we completely miss it? Trigger shot was at 0730 on Tuesday--had a lot of cramping that night and EWCM, wednesday afternoon had the IUI--and my nurse made the comment of--well, too bad we can't use any lube with the speculum...except you certainly don't need any! Hahahaha. Anyway, I've felt super tired today (all the excitement plus the trigger, I'm assuming) but continue to have different cramping...I really don't know how to describe it, and continued mucous. Argh.

So, we're doing the natural thing and bd'ing on top of the IUI but I just don't know. Of course, I've never had a trigger shot before. Opinions?

64 million motile sperm

We like them numbers. Very much.

Has anyone ever had problems with an IUI before? Specifically, I have a retroverted uterus, so both IUI's--the nurse has had problems threading the catheter. It took quite awhile this time. Am I just THAT inhospitable?

I really hope that this worked. Of course, I really hope that every month. We all do.

The eggs are cooking

So, this cycle has REALLY flown. I can't believe that I am staring my second IUI in the face. That's right...the ovaries responded to the cocktail of dexamethasone + clomid. I had my U/S today and there are two follicles on the right--one measuring 20mm and the other almost 18. There's another on the left, but he's only 14mm, so he may not give me much hope.

So, that's good news!

And I'm in a more positive mood today. So tired of moods. Seriously, on the way to the RE today, I was telling myself that my ovaries didn't respond and that I was going to have to try and not cry this time. WHY WHY WHY do I have to be so negative! I think I may post more on this later.

IUI tomorrow. We're crossing our toes, fingers, hair , and whatever else.

I made it to day 12

And then AF reared its ugly head. I knew she was coming--but I couldn't help but hope that the cramps were something else.

One week down

And one week to go. As true to form, as excited and hopeful that I was last week, this week, I'm feeling more down and negative. Why? This makes me so mad. Why can't I stay excited and hopeful???

It's funny. I can envision a positive pregnancy test. I can see that day. Why can't I realize that it may in fact someday be a reality? It could even be this month? Am I trying to protect myself from failure or have I really become this negative??

On the viral front, I'm a congested mess. Afrin is my best friend. WOohoo!

I'm falling apart!

Vomiting at work, not fun. Less fun is that everyone at my office now thinks that I'm pregnant. You know, heaven forbid that a woman of child-bearing age get a stomach virus. Even one of my partners just smiled at me when he found out that I was sick. Smiled! If only I could've made it out of the office without vomiting.

It would be great to think that vomiting 5 days after IUI meant that I was already having morning sickness, but I'm thinking that's impossible. Much more possible is that every virus available is hitting my body this weekend...after the vomiting friday came the cold on saturday and the general misery and stuffiness today. This is lovely!

So, I'm now 7dpIUI and besides my lovely virus, don't really feel anything. Minorly sore breasts, but nothing to write home about. Occasional uterus/ovary twinges, but I really don't know what to make of that. I'm trying to think positively. Trying. Trying to realize that all of this is part of the journey of us adding to our family. Regardless of the outcome. Argh.

And to prove that I'm not in control...

I had a positive ovulation predictor test yesterday! On CD 24!

I called the RE this AM and we went in and did IUI! My cervix was open and there was "lots" of ewcm. My doctor thinks that the dexamethasone helped to trigger ovulation. I'll take it.

My husband's sperm count looked great and my body looked favorable. So, instead of waiting for AF, we're officially in the 2ww!

WOW!

To be positive

Everything I'm feeling right now can be summed up in the words of another infertility blogger. Click here to read.

I'm always planning for the next step. I haven't even done IUI yet on Clomid--since I had lack of ovulation this month, and I'm planning and worried about IUI with injectable medications. I haven't even done a single IUI yet, and I'm thinking about IVF. I haven't even done IUI yet, and I'm already planning on it being a process that doesn't result in a baby. I'm completely sabotaging myself, and NOT trusting in God. And I realize that I'm doing it and I have those thought processes partially to protect myself. Protect myself from the pain. Protect myself from staying vulnerable. Protect myself from hope.

Sigh.

I search other blogs that are going through IUI and I see more that don't succeed than do. And I somehow bring that back to ME and think that I'm not going to be successful.

Sigh.

I am not in control. I am not in control.

It's a bust

Sigh.

Never, never, never in my wildest imagination would I have thought that I wouldn't ovulate this month. I have never never never not ovulated on clomid. So, imagine my shock last week when I went to the clinic for my ultrasound and there were no growing follicles. Disbelief. I felt like my body had utterly failed me. Again.

And I went through all of the stages of grief in the last week just over a lack of ovulation. I was not at all mentally prepared for that. I think I need to buck up a little. I mean, we could be pregnant in the next couple of months. But this also could be a very long road ahead. I'm not being pessimistic. Really.

Only the grace of God is getting me through this. I know that He is faithful regardless. Regardless of my malfunctioning body. Argh!

So, my RE started me on daily low-dose dexamethasone. And I'll go up on the clomid next cycle. And if that doesn't work, then we are on to injectibles. All I can do is try to maintain some level of sanity. And this week is so much better than last week. I'm back exercising, eating right, having alone time, having God time. And all I can do is take this day by day.

On another note, I can not help but comment on the craziness that is the octuplets that were born recently. I'm sure that it has been mentioned in one way or another on every infertility blog. The most recent news states that she is a single college educated female who has obtained sperm through donation, and yes, these two pregnancies resulting in 14 children were from IVF and not IUI. I have so many layers of thoughts on this, that I can't even comment well at this point. All I can say is, how irresponsible is that RE? And who in their right mind would put in 8????? And who is this woman and how mentally unstable can she be? Maybe I'll write more later.

This is the week!

IUI this week folks! I asked dh over brunch today how he was feeling, and he said he was nervous and excited. Right now, I'm just excited. I'm not feeling any level of apprehension, just expectation. And not unrealistic, either. I honestly just feel this level of excitement building inside of me. And I think that's ok. It's ok to be positive about this, right??

On another note, WHY do estradiol pills need to be made with blue dye? I mean, I have to stick this pill inside my vagina every evening, and (I'm sorry for the tmi) I'm SICK of seeing blue dye in the morning! Why oh why couldn't the manufacturer make the pills white?

So, we go in Tuesday for the day 12 ultrasound. I'm praying for an appropriate sized follicle(s). If the eggs are appropriately baked, I'll trigger and come back the next day for insemination. Woohoo!

yin/yang

I'm happy for my pregnant friends, I really am.

I'm excited for them.

I smile, I ask questions, I support them.

But at the end of the day, I go home and cry. I'm insanely jealous.

It's all about the waiting

As if trying to get pregnant the good old fashioned way isn't a lesson in patience, obviously infertility is that same lesson to the 100th degree.

Everything is a waiting game, and I really don't want to become consumed by it. But I have failed at this so far. First off, I divide my months into three. It's impossible not to do this. The first part is the menstruation part and the prior to the time when it is close to ovulation part. This is honestly the most serene part of my month. There's nothing to think about, nothing to plan, nothing to overanalyze.

The second part of the month is the time prior to ovulation during ovulation and immediately post ovulation. Am I going to ovulate? Are we having sex enough? At the right times? Can I try to make this fun when it just all seems so clinical??? And then I relax again when my temperature shoots up.

The third part is the dreaded 2 week wait. At first, all is calm. No biggy. Then comes the--are my breasts tender really? Are these cramps? Is this implantation tenderness? And then so far the inevitable...I know my period is going to start, so let's just GET THIS OVER WITH!

I don't want to be this way. Maybe getting it out in the open will help. I KNOW in my head that there is NOTHING that I can do that will change things, and in fact, my worry is not helping me. I'm praying, trying to relax, trying to realize that NONE OF THIS IS IN MY CONTROL, but yet, the cycle repeats. I'm not sure how IUI is going to play in to all of this, but hopefully, I can just

RELAX.

From Here to There

Well, I've really failed at this blogging thing! I'm starting to realize that I might need this as a way of getting out thoughts....and I think my husband is going to start blogging on here too! It's crazy, I think at the time that I started this blog, I was in complete denial about "infertility." I thought that we would just get pregnant....eventually...and I wouldn't have to deal with this...or write about it...again.

I was wrong.

After the last time I wrote, we did one more month of Clomid through the ObGyn. I ovulated, but no pregnancy. That was close to the time of thanksgiving, so we decided to take the holidays off. I really do think that was a good decision. It was nice to not have my hormones going all over the place for those 2 months, and just to be able to enjoy the season. After the Holidays were over, we had our first appointment with the RE. It went well. I was completely geared up to cry the entire appointment, but I didn't shed a tear. My husband would say that I just got into "shop talk" with the RE. And that would be the truth. Being a physician myself, I stuck to the clinical side of things while talking to him. Was that healthy? For the time being, yes. He was pleasant and intelligent, and I think we'll work well together. He didn't seem at all impressed with our labwork...including my husband's semen analysis. My husband had 2% morphology on his semen analysis, and I've heard conflicting statements on if this is significant or not. My husband's other numbers are "spectacular" in the words of the RE. So, we'll see. Basically, I think after the initial conversation both of us were like "so why haven't we gotten pregnant yet?" We went through our options, and his suggestion...surprise! was IUI. Our first cycle will be monitored with an U/S and an HCG trigger shot. I'll take Clomid and then vaginal estradiol. I'm assuming progesterone as well, but who knows. I forgot to ask. Then he did an U/S because I do have fibroids...and he wanted to visualize them himself and make sure that they weren't inside of my uterus and that they weren't too big. They weren't and they weren't.

So, that's where we are at. Today is D1 of my cycle. On day 12 we'll go in for the U/S.

Now, if only I can find my sanity....